“Yes—but I thought of the CHILDREN. I thought what they’d look like, and how they’d talk, and how I’d love them. I don’t know if many young girls shut their minds up like that.”
She was speaking with agitation, and I was gazing into her eyes, reading more than she knew I was reading. I was nearer to solving the problem that had been baffling me. And I wanted to take her hands in mine, and say: “You would never have married him if you’d understood!”
22. Sylvia thought she ought to have been taught, but when she came to think of it she was unable to suggest who could have done the teaching. “Your mother?” I asked, and she had to laugh, in spite of the seriousness of her mood. “Poor dear mamma! When they sent me up here to boarding school, she took me off and tried to tell me not to listen to vulgar talk from the girls. She managed to make it clear that I mustn’t listen to something, and I managed not to listen. I’m sure that even now she would rather have her tongue cut out than talk to me about such things.”
“I talked to my children,” I assured her.
“And you didn’t feel embarrassed?”
“I did in the beginning—I had the same shrinkings to overcome. But I had a tragedy behind me to push me on.”
I told her the story of my nephew, a shy and sensitive lad, who used to come to me for consolation, and became as dear to me as my own children. When he was seventeen he grew moody and despondent; he ran away from home for six months and more, and then returned and was forgiven—but that seemed to make no difference. One night he came to see me, and I tried hard to get him to tell me what was wrong. He wouldn’t, but went away, and several hours later I found a letter he had shoved under the table-cloth. I read it, and rushed out and hitched up a horse and drove like mad to my brother-in-law’s, but I got there too late, the poor boy had taken a shot-gun to his room, and put the muzzle into his mouth, and set off the trigger with his foot. In the letter he told me what was the matter—he had got into trouble with a woman of the town, and had caught syphilis. He had gone away and tried to get cured, but had fallen into the hands of a quack, who had taken all his money and left his health worse than ever, so in despair and shame the poor boy had shot his head off.
I paused, uncertain if Sylvia would understand the story. “Do you know what syphilis is?” I asked.
“I suppose—I have heard of what we call a ‘bad disease’” she said.
“It’s a very bad disease. But if the words convey to you that it’s a disease that bad people get, I should tell you that most men take the chance of getting it; yet they are cruel enough to despise those upon whom the ill-luck falls. My poor nephew had been utterly ignorant—I found out that from his father, too late. An instinct had awakened in him of which he knew absolutely nothing; his companions had taught him what it meant, and he had followed their lead. And then had come the horror and the shame—and some vile, ignorant wretch to trade upon it, and cast the boy off when he was penniless. So he had come home again, with his gnawing secret; I pictured him wandering about, trying to make up his mind to confide in me, wavering between that and the horrible deed he did.”