‘What is a nobleman’s chaplain?’ inquired a legal luminary, perhaps over-fond of professing ignorance, ‘A nobleman’s chaplain, my lord,’ said Dr Phillimore, ‘is a spiritual luxury.’ It is astonishing how innocent gentlemen learned in the law are, by their own account. Addressing a matronly witness in a breach of promise case, counsel for the defence said: ‘I am an old bachelor, and do not understand such things. What is courtship?’ ‘Looking at each other, taking hold of one another’s hands, and all that kind of thing,’ was the comprehensive answer.
An Ohio school-committee must have been puzzled to decide which of two candidates for a school-marmship was the better fitted for the post, the young woman who averred that ‘respiration’ was the perspiring of the body, or her rival, who believed ‘emphasis’ was the putting more distress on one word than another; definitions worthy of a place beside those achieved by the English medical student responsible for: ‘Hypothesis, something that happens to a man after death;’ and ‘Irony, a substance found in mineral wells, which is carefully preserved in bottles, and sold by chemists as tincture of iron.’ All abroad, too, was the intelligent New York ‘health-officer,’ who, having testified that his district was afflicted with highjinnicks, being pressed as to what he understood ‘hygienics’ to mean, answered: ‘A bad smell arising from dirty water.’
At one of Sheridan’s dinner-parties, the conversation turned upon the difficulty of satisfactorily defining ‘wit.’ Forgetting that he was expected to hear, see, but say nothing, Master Tom informed the company: ‘Wit is that which sparkles and cuts.’ ‘Very good, Tom,’ said his father. ‘Then, as you have sparkled, you can cut!’ and poor Tom had to leave his dinner unfinished. Probably a worse fate awaited the Brooklyn boy, who, called upon to explain the meaning of ‘Quaker,’ wrote: ‘A Quaker is one of a sect who never quarrel, never get into a fight, never claw each other, and never jaw back. Pa’s a Quaker; but ma isn’t!’ The youngsters sometimes hit upon very quaint definitions, such as: Ice, water that stayed out in the cold and went to sleep; dust, mud with the juice squeezed out; fan, a thing to brush warm off with; sob, when a fellow doesn’t want to cry and it bursts out of itself; wakefulness, eyes all the time coming unbuttoned; chaos, a great pile of nothing and no place to put it in.
When the French Academicians were busy with their famous Dictionary, the members of the committee were at odds as to defining de suite and tout de suite. Bois-Robert suggested that they should adjourn to a restaurant and discuss some oysters and the question together. On arriving there, Bois-Robert asked the attendant to open de suite six dozen oysters, and Courart chimed in with: ‘And serve them to us tout de suite.’ ‘But, gentlemen,’ said the woman, ‘how can I open your oysters de suite and serve them tout de suite?’ ‘Easily enough,’ answered one of the party; ‘open six dozen oysters de suite—that is, one after another—and serve them tout de suite, that is, as soon as you have opened them.’ His definition of the two phrases was adopted by acclamation. There is nothing like practical illustration to bring home the meaning of things. Puzzled by hearing a deal of talk about contracting and expanding the currency, an American lass asked her sweetheart: ‘What is the difference, John, between contraction and expansion, and how do circumstances affect them?’ John was quite equal to the occasion. ‘Well, dear,’ said he, ‘when we are alone we both sit on one chair, don’t we?’ ‘Yes.’—‘That’s contraction. But when we hear your pa or ma coming, we get on two chairs, don’t we?’ ‘I should say we did.’—‘Well, my love, that’s expansion, and you see it’s according to circumstances.’—‘John,’ said the satisfied maiden, ‘we’re contracting now, ain’t we?’—‘You’re right!’ said John; and then was performed an operation which a great mathematician defined as consisting ‘in the approach of two curves which have the same bend as far as the points of contact.’
A NEW FUEL.
An experiment as carried on by the contractors for the Forth Bridge at their works near South Queensferry, to determine whether crude shale oil can be advantageously employed as a substitute for coal in feeding boiler furnaces, possesses no slight interest; for should the new material fulfil the expectations of its introducers, the method cannot fail to be extensively adopted in the numberless manufacturing arts, where a heating agent combining efficiency and economy with cleanliness, is a desideratum. The general principles of the method adopted and the apparatus employed will be readily understood, when it is borne in mind that the process depends on the perfect combustion of crude shale oil, vapourised in connection with superheated steam and atmospheric air. The apparatus consists mainly of a cylindrical cast-iron retort, around which two pipes are coiled spirally, one externally, the other internally, meeting each other in a burner beneath the retort. Through the external pipe oil is forced by hydraulic pressure; through the internal pipe water is similarly driven.
To start the apparatus, the retort must first be heated, which may be readily effected by a small coal fire. The water valve is then slightly opened, and the water, after traversing the pipe coiled internally around the retort, issues at the burner beneath—a powerful jet of superheated steam. The oil is then similarly admitted through its pipe, namely, that coiled externally around the retort, and vapourised, or nearly so, by the heat, reaches the burner below. Here it is caught by the superheated steam, and hurled against the convex bottom of the retort, the force of the impact breaking up into finely divided vapour any portion of the oil which the heat may not have already converted into gas. In a short time the retort and tubes become red hot, chemical action is set up, and perfect combustion of the steam, the carbon from the oil, and atmospheric air, drawn in by the partial vacuum formed, ensues. The perfect combustion and intense heat generated consumes all the products, and leaves little or no residue requiring removal. The absence of ashes or other refuse necessitating constant attendance and cleaning; and the almost entire exemption from smoke, due to the completeness of combustion, are amongst the advantages claimed by the inventors of the apparatus.
With reference to the economy of the process, it may be added that crude shale oil is almost a waste substance, for that used during the recent experiments was the residue left in the process of obtaining the oil of commerce by distillation from the shale. In appearance the crude shale oil resembles butter, and so viscid is it, that a match, cinder, or even a red-hot poker fails to ignite it. Even in those localities where the cheapness of coal would equalise the cost of the two substances, it is yet claimed for the shale oil, that economy results from the comparatively little labour required in connection with its employment; an immense gain is moreover made in space for storing purposes; whilst a saving is effected by the decreased amount of work expended in keeping the furnace and machinery clean, heat with cleanliness being a marked characteristic of this method.
Other advantages may be briefly enumerated: Reduced bulk and weight as compared with coal, by which a saving correspondingly great is effected in carriage, often a considerable factor in the cost of the latter material. Economy resulting from the instantaneous extinction of the fire, whenever the day’s work is completed; whilst the facility with which the fire can be started, and the readiness with which the apparatus can be attached to furnaces at present consuming coal, are powerful arguments in favour of this new fuel.
It is estimated that if given quantities of crude shale oil and coal be taken, equal to each other as regards heat-giving efficiency, the former will occupy less than one-fifth the bulk of the latter. So great a reduction in space set aside for fuel, would, in our large ocean-going steamers, whose coal forms upwards of one-third of their tonnage, mean an enormous addition to cargo room, and consequently to earning power. ‘Of seventy stokers to handle two hundred tons per day, and put out the ashes, sixty may be left at home. Instead of two thousand tons of dead-weight in coal, the steamer may carry four hundred. In carrying and consuming large quantities of coal, the matter of ballast is a serious consideration. A hydrocarbon liquid, carried in several tanks, would be expelled therefrom to the furnaces by pumping water into the tanks, the ballast remaining nearly the same.’ There can be no question that such fuel is eminently suited to fast-sailing cruisers, which may be required to remain at sea for lengthened periods, without touching at port.