'Oh, in that case,' answered the relieved gentleman, 'I shall be only too happy.'
Ladies should eschew ambiguous expressions, and ambiguous actions for that matter. A lady visiting a great public library for the first time, grateful for the assistance rendered her by an assistant-librarian, slipped half-a-crown into his hand; of course the gentleman immediately returned it whence it came; and by-and-by had the pleasure of overhearing one of his fellows say to another: 'Well, I saw it all, but can't make out whether he was making love to the lady or the lady to him: but they were squeezing each other's hands!'
Mr Sayre of Lexington was troubled with a lisp. One day the overseer of one of his farms came to headquarters to say he wanted some porkers. 'Very well,' said Mr Sayre. 'Go and buy four or five thowth and pigth, and put them on the farm.'
The man inquired if he should take the money with him to pay for them.
'No,' said Sayre; 'they all know me. Thend them here, and I'll pay.'
In a fortnight's time the overseer reappeared with the information that he had been all over the country, but could not get more than nine hundred pigs.
'Nine hundred pigth!' exclaimed his employer. 'Who told you to buy nine hundred pigth?'
'Why, you did, sir,' said the overseer. 'You told me to buy four or five thousand pigs; and I tried to do it.'
'I did no thuth thing,' said Sayre; 'I told you to buy four or five thowth and their little pigth; a pretty meth you've made of it!'
Among the many good stories told by Colonel Stuart in his Reminiscences of a Soldier, are the two following. A sentry at Chatham, when the captain of the guard questioned him as to his orders, replied: 'My orders are, sir, if a fire broke out, I'm to take my musket and shoot the nearest policeman.' The officer suggested he had made some mistake, but the soldier stuck to his text; and with 'I pity the policeman,' the captain of the guard walked on without giving the correct instruction: 'If a fire breaks out, fire your musket, and alarm the nearest policeman.'—A Scotch subaltern at Gibraltar was one day on guard with another officer, who falling down a precipice, was killed. He made no mention of the accident in his guard report, leaving the addendum, 'N.B. Nothing extraordinary since guard-mounting,' standing without qualification. Some hours after the brigade-major came to demand an explanation, saying: 'You say, sir, in your report, "Nothing extraordinary since guard-mounting," when your brother-officer, on duty with you, has fallen down a precipice four hundred feet and been killed.' 'Weel, sir,' replied he, 'I dinna think there's onything extraordinary in it: if he'd faun doon a precipice four hundred feet and no been killed, I should hae thought it vary extraordinary indeed, and wad hae put it doon in my report.'