‘Hot water! Oh, all right, ma’am! Why not, if it’s plazing to you?’
‘With a lump of sugar, guard, if you please.’
‘By all manner of means, ma’am.’
‘And—and—guard dear’—as the man was turning to go away—‘a small squeeze of lemon, and a little—just a thimbleful—of spirits through it.’
‘Och, isn’t that punch!’ shouted the guard. ‘Where was the good of beating about the bush? Couldn’t you have asked out for a tumbler of punch at once, ma’am, like a man!’
Another favourite story was of a trial at quarter-sessions in Mayo, which developed some of the ingenious resources of Paddy when he chooses to exercise his talent in an endeavour not to pay. A doctor had summoned a man for the sum of one guinea, due for attendance on the man’s wife. The medico proved his case, and was about to retire triumphant, when the defendant humbly begged leave to ask him a few questions. Permission was granted, and the following dialogue took place.
Defendant. ‘Docthor, you remember when I called on you?’
Doctor. ‘I do.’
Defendant. ‘What did I say?’
Doctor. ‘You said your wife was sick, and you wished me to go and see her.’