“To run in the vast, long court where the convalescents were accustomed to walk, or to sit in the sunshine, to wander around that immense garden, which was my Place du Carrousel and my Champs de Mars, to be caught in passing, to be stopped in my wild flight, either by one of the convalescent soldiers who were amused by my antics, or by one of the sisters of Aunt Marie, or above all by Aunt Marie herself, who, when seeing me too heated, left her room, which served her also as a pharmacy, to come and quiet me and kiss me; to gallop over the sandy grounds of this court, riding horse-back on a cane, or on the crutch of an aged, infirm sister, who usually sat knitting on one of the benches—all this was for me the joy of joys.
“The day of which I speak, a beautiful summer day, I had obtained permission to play in my dear court for a whole hour. My mother had to make a visit in the town, which would have been tiresome for me. She had left me in charge of her sister and Aunt Marie, from her open window, was not to lose sight of me for a moment. The aged Sister Rose was asked to watch me as well, and then I had her crutch, without which she was unable to walk. You see I was well guarded.
“Aunt Marie, having mounted to her private room, saw from her window that a door of the large building at the extremity of the court, a double door, and one which I had always seen shut, was open. She hailed one of the nurses and asked him to shut it; but from his answer she probably judged that it was not possible, for it stayed open, and Aunt Marie having called me to her, said: ‘You see that large open door, at the end of the court, little Jacques?’ ‘Yes, Aunt Marie.’ ‘Very well! It is the door of a large room, very dark and very cold, where even big people are not permitted to enter. It is written over the door that entrance is forbidden to the public! Promise me, dear, not to go there.’
“I gave the promise with the intention of keeping it, but I had not rendered due count of the fascinations of Sister Rose’s crutch. Having jumped about a great deal, having pranced round and round the timid Sister Rose, having thoughtlessly knocked against, and annoyed in a thousand ways the soldiers who were playing at drogue, (a game which always makes me laugh, as pieces of wood are placed on the noses of the losers.) I was, as you may imagine, very much excited; my horse ended by running away with me, and, instead of stopping on the threshold of the forbidden door, which more than once I had had the imprudence to approach too closely, he carried me irresistibly to the extremity of the dark room, which I ought not to have entered. I was going so rapidly that before I had time to think I arrived with a shock against the wall at the farther end. I knocked myself so severely that I raised a big bump upon my forehead, which brought me effectually to my senses. My steed, Sister Rose’s crutch, fatigued by the violence of our course, fell, out of breath, but not without noise, at my feet. The silence of the room sent back from its four corners the echo of the fall. Startled by this strange sound, I turned around quickly. I was already impressed by the sense of my disobedience. I had done wrong to come there.
“The sudden change from the light to the obscurity which surrounded me, the cold chill of that room, following quickly the warm atmosphere of the court which I had left all in sunshine, added to my uneasiness, and the rest did not reassure me. A lugubrious row of large white beds, all alike, enclosed by curtains of a most severe aspect, which I had not seen in the rapidity of my entrance, occupied the whole length of the room at my left. Not a breath came from behind these curtains; the beds then were empty. I did not like to be alone among these shadows. The blinds being shut, the daylight ended a few steps from the door by which I had come into this redoubtable place, and did not penetrate to my corner. For an instant I dared not stir, and yet I well knew that I must leave this spot, forbidden to grown persons, just as quickly as I could. Intimidated by my surroundings, and above all by the obscurity and the silence, which are not the friends of children, even the sound of my breathing frightened me; I heard, not without fear, the rapid beatings of my heart. Forgetting at once both Sister Rose and my horse, I resolved to reach the door, and I walked instinctively on the tips of my toes so as to make as little disturbance as possible. When I had taken about twenty steps, hesitating from time to time to regain my courage, seeing that after all I approached the light, my presence of mind gradually came back to me and I cast about one of those questioning regards of a child who wishes, while he has the opportunity, to profit by the occasion and explore the region into which he has unwittingly ventured. I found myself particularly attracted toward a large black bench which was placed along the wall to the left of the entrance, and which occupied more space than a bed.
“Why was this bench, larger and a little lower than the benches in the court, two-thirds covered by a white sheet? Was anything hidden under this sheet? It certainly appeared so to me. While asking myself these questions, I had already arrived three-quarters of the way; a little more daylight reached me thereby. Light is a blessing at any age, but for a child it is sometimes a remedy for all ills. Less anxious as to what might happen to me in the room itself, I began to be more uneasy in regard to what would pass when I had left it. What would Aunt Marie think of my disobedience? Truly I was in no great hurry to regain the court, and I said to myself that being there, it would not cost me any more to learn why a white sheet covered that big bench. In a few steps I drew still nearer to it. The top of the bench was uneven. Without doubt something was hidden there; but what? My curiosity carried me on, and without having the least idea of what I was going to discover, with a bold movement I lifted one entire end of the sheet.
“That which there appeared to my astonished eyes I shall never forget. I see it even yet, as I speak to you, as plainly as when I was six years old in the room of the hospital of ——. Yes, I see it and I shall see it all my life.
“I saw death! a dead person! for the first time.
“Since then I have seen many dead people, more than I can count; this one has rested in my memory more clearly than them all.