WIT IN AN EXECUTIONER.
A felon, who was just on the point of being turned off, asked the hangman if he had any message to send to the place where he was going, “I will trouble you with a line,” replied the finisher of the law, placing the cord under his left ear.
EARLY RISING.
A father chiding his son for not leaving his bed at an earlier hour, told him, as an inducement, that a certain man being up betimes found a purse of gold. “It might be so,” replied the son, “but he that lost it was up before him.”
THE BENEVOLENT WIDOW.
There was a very benevolent widow living in Plymouth, in respectable circumstances, who frequently came to the theatre, and was kind enough to inquire into the private situations of various members of the company. Among others, she asked about Prigmore, and was told that he had but a small salary, and made a very poor appearance. Hearing this, she remembered that she had a pair of her late husband’s indispensables in the house, which she resolved to offer him. A servant was, accordingly, despatched to the object of her charity, who, meeting one of the actors, and partly disclosing her business, he went in search of Prigmore, and finding him, exclaimed, “Prigmore, my boy, here’s your fortune made at last; here’s a rich widow in the town has fallen in love with you, and wants to see you.” Prigmore, not suspecting his roguery, was led to the servant, in a state of bewildered rapture, and by the latter was informed that the widow would be glad to see him any morning it was convenient. He appointed the following, and went home to his lodgings to indulge in a day-dream of golden independence. His friend, in the meantime, whispered the truth through the green-room, where there were two or three others wicked enough to join in the conspiracy, by walking to Prigmore’s house to tender their congratulations. Prigmore, as will be supposed, passed a sleepless night, and spent an extra hour at his toilet the next morning, in adorning himself with a clean chin and neckcloth. He then sallied forth, and, on reaching the widow’s was shown into her parlour, where, casting his eyes around on the substantial sufficiency of its furniture, he began to felicitate himself on the aspect of his future home. The lady at length appeared: she was upon the verge of forty—a very fashionable age at that time, which resting upon the shoulders of a very comely-looking woman, seemed to be in character with her very comfortable dwelling. Prigmore’s satisfaction and her benevolence operated equally in producing some confusion: at length a conversation commenced. She acquainted him that she had heard his situation was not so agreeable as he could wish—that his income was a confined one; she was, therefore, desirous to do him all the service that lay in her power. Prigmore, considering this an express declaration of her affection, was about to throw himself at her feet, when she suddenly summoned the servant, and exclaimed, “Rachel, bring the breeches?” These words astounded him, and he stared in her face like a block of marble; the widow, as suspicionless as himself of the hoax, could not interpret his wonder; but, on receiving the habiliments, folded them carefully up, and remarking that they were as good as new (her husband having caught his fatal cold in them the first time he put them on), begged Prigmore’s acceptance of the same. “And was it for this you wanted me, madam?” exclaimed Prigmore, rising from his chair; his tone and countenance bespeaking a mixture of surprise and disappointment. “Yes, sir.” He put on his hat, and walked to the door in silent indignation. The good woman, as much astonished as himself, followed him and said, “Won’t you take the breeches, sir?” “No, madam,” he replied, pausing at the door to make some bitter remark; “Wear them yourself!” For the remainder of the season, his life was far from being enviable.[G]
CANDOUR.
Lord Lyttelton asked of a clergyman in the country the use of his pulpit for a young man he had brought down with him. “I really know not,” said the parson, “how to refuse your lordship; yet, if the young gentleman preach better than me, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards; and if he preach worse, I don’t think he is fit to preach at all.”
REWARD OF POLYGAMY.
A man having been accused of marrying five wives, was committed to prison; and being asked by the judge on his trial, how he came to take so many wives, he replied, “In order, if possible, to find one good one, and then stick to her.” “Oh! oh!” said the judge, “as you cannot find a good wife in this world, you may probably succeed better in the next; so get you gone thither;” and immediately signed the warrant for his execution.