The proud Duke of Somerset employed Seymour the painter to make some portraits of his running horses. One day, at dinner, he drank to him with a sneer: “Cousin Seymour, your health.” The painter replied, “I really do believe that I have the honour to be of your grace’s family.” The duke, offended, rose from the table, and sent his steward to pay Seymour and dismiss him. Another painter of horses was sent for, who, finding himself unworthy to finish Seymour’s work, honestly told the duke so. On this the haughty peer condescended once more to summon his cousin. Seymour answered his mandate in these words: “My Lord, I shall now prove that I am of your grace’s family, for I will not come.”
JOKES OF ARCHY ARMSTRONG.
James I. was complaining of the leanness of his hunting horse, and swore by his soul, he could see no reason why the animal should not be as fat as the horses of his subjects, seeing that he bestowed upon him good feeding and keeping, and rode him very easily. Archy Armstrong, his fool, who was standing by, said he would tell his majesty how to raise the animal’s flesh, and that very speedily. “I pray thee, fool, how?” inquired the king. “Make him a bishop,” answered Archy, who seems to have had an antipathy to that class of dignitaries, “and if he is not soon as fat as he can wallow, ride me!”
Being desired to say a grace at the royal table, where Archbishop Laud was present, he gave one in these emphatic and ambiguous words: “All praise to God, and little Laud to the deil.” (Laud, it must be understood, was a man of very small stature; the Puritans gave him the punning epithet of his Little Grace.)
SIR GODFREY KNELLER.
Being informed that Jervis the painter was come from London to —— in a coach and four, Sir Godfrey, who had an unaccountable antipathy to that gentleman, cried, “By gar, if de horses draw no better dan himself, he will never get back to town again.”
PACE, THE JESTER.
Pace, jester to Queen Elizabeth, was so bitter in his retorts upon her, that he was forbid her presence. After he had been absent for some time, a few of his friends entreated her Majesty to receive him back into favour, engaging for him, that he would be more guarded in his discourse for the future. The very first time they again met Pace was as bad as ever. “Come on, Pace,” said the Queen in a gracious humour; “now, we shall hear of our faults.” “No, madam,” said Pace; “I never talk of what is discoursed by all the world.”
QUEEN ELIZABETH AND SIR THOMAS GRESHAM.
When Queen Elizabeth was at Osterby, near Brentford, the seat of Sir Thomas Gresham, who built the Royal Exchange, she pointed out to him a wall on one side of the garden, which confined, in some respect, the prospect. Sir Thomas seemed to take no farther notice of her majesty’s remark at that time, than to coincide in it; but as soon as she retired to her chamber, he had a number of workmen in readiness, who had the wall entirely pulled down by morning. The Queen, upon her walking in the gardens, was surprised at the alteration; but, turning about to Sir Thomas, with great readiness observed, “She did not wonder that he that could build a Change, could so readily change a building.”