Harper's Round Table, June 30, 1896

by Various

"All right; as you have decided to adopt my plan, I cannot do otherwise than accept such a position. I'm bound on having a good time, and if you'll honestly join me, we'll have one.

"Now, by right of office, and to get the thing started, I appoint as head of the British army Clarence Bruce, and as head of the army of the United States Samuel Thayer. As General-in-chief of both armies I would further state that the said officers must secure the requisite number of men, and see that they are provided with suitable uniforms and flags. In order not to make ourselves a nuisance to our mothers and big sisters, adopt as uniform our very oldest clothing; then we'll not have any advice or fuss as to care. We can show our colors by means of flags, banners, and a short scarf of bunting tied around our left arms: or what's the matter with basting a narrow strip of bunting around our jackets or on the outside seams of our trousers? Everybody must be provided with a wooden gun, as neither balls, cartridges, nor shot of any sort will be allowed. But both officers and privates may use large fire-crackers, any amount of torpedoes, and cannon, for war is not altogether fun; and the soldiers on both sides must show pluck. My plan of battle would be the following, but the officers in charge must arrange for themselves: Commence hostilities at nine o'clock Fourth of July morning, thus enabling our parents and friends to watch, at which time half of the United States army will be hidden back of the rocks which skirt the southeast side of the farm, and most of the others will be in the old barn that my father has been trying to tear down for the last two years. A sentinel should pass to and fro before the barn, and back of him other men should occasionally appear. The onslaught should be made by the British throwing handfuls of torpedoes against the rocks; but on the same rocks the United States army will have previously placed cannon, which, at a few moments after nine, will go off with a tremendous bang. The British will continue the hurling of the torpedoes until they are satisfied that all of the United States men are about the barn, and then they will recklessly march directly on the forbidden territory. At this moment the hidden soldiers will jump to their feet, and those at the barn will come to assist them. Thus action will determinedly commence. The English, being surprised, will soon be surrounded, and a fierce battle will ensue. The United States soldiers are now firing, and it seems a veritable blinding hailstorm, so thick and fast the white torpedo shells shower down, and the noise from the occasional fire-cracker not only increases confusion, but creates dismay. In the excitement the English make a mad rush for the barn; but that action has been anticipated—indeed, so much so that one of the privates had staid behind with the express purpose of firing it. And what a magnificent conflagration it will make, fellows, for we must carefully prepare it with a coating of tar and long wisps of tarred paper!

"When the barn is fired the battle will end, for there will be nothing left for the British to do but to surrender. Those who will not willingly give up their guns will drop them in the chase, for the United States Soldiers will be after them sure and fast, and all their banners and flags will be exhibited as trophies."

When Alec concluded, the boys drew a long breath, and then all tongues were loosed, and each one seemed to talk faster and louder than the other in his desire for a hearing, all agreeing, however, that the battle would be "jolly fun," and it was "like Alec" to get ahead of them in planning such grand sport. But what would be done with the rest of the day? This amusement would be but a starter; not a moment must be left for idleness.

And so it was another of the boys that was heard. He had lately been reading, he explained, the story of Mary, the mother of Washington, and he suggested that something should be done in her honor. That so much was always said about General George Washington, the Declaration of Independence, and all that, and he had made up his mind for one that George Washington would have been nowhere without his mother, and that she should be celebrated.

This resulted in tremendous applause, and the calling out of, "Only listen to Mr. Wisdom."

For a second the boy was abashed; but suddenly regaining himself, he added, "I've explained I have only but just finished reading about her, and the book told me of General Lafayette's visit and of the impression she gave him; for on reporting the interview to his friends, he stated, 'I have seen the only Roman matron living at this day!' and it is also said of her that the cause of American Independence had no more steadfast adherent."

So, after a short discussion, the boys decided to follow the battle with a procession, in which every one would be invited to join, even the visitors, whether friends or strangers; these should follow either four or six abreast, as their number would allow. That the boys who had represented the English army should make the necessary change in attire, and march as the United States navy, while the other boys would march as the army. There should be a detachment of cavalry—for a few riders ought to be found somewhere—a battalion of volunteers and several companies of infantry, all followed by the Marine Band.

A banner should lead the procession, bearing the inscription, "In honor of Mary Washington," and the Star-spangled Banner should triumphantly wave throughout the entire line.