The ex-Pirate never needed much urging to do this sort of thing, and so when Tommy whispered to him to read the seventeenth chapter of his autobiography which he knew his friend had in his pocket, and of which the little boy had only heard the first few lines, the ex-Pirate arose, and, bowing in his usual way to all his hearers, he pulled his manuscript from his coat and began to read:
The following day the sun rose up as usual from the East.
The sea was calm, the sky was clear, the stormy winds had ceased;
The Black Avenger sped along before a gentle breeze,
And the starboard watch loafed on the deck in true piratic ease.
I took my breakfast down below, and when I came on deck
I looked about, and far away I saw a little speck
Upon the blue horizon, and I knew it was a sail.
For, in matters of this nature, my eyesight could not fail.
I called my swarthy Bo's'n, and I said to him, said I:
"If we don't overtake that ship, I'll know the reason why;
If we don't overtake her ere the sun shines overhead
I'll cut the whiskers off the crew before I go to bed!"
The Bo's'n nodded cheerfully and swore a fearful oath,
(He called upon the Sun and Moon, and scandalized them both,)
And then he hitched his trousers up and piped his whistle shrill,
And made the loafing pirates heave the halyards with a will.
The Black Avenger sped along and ploughed the boiling sea,
The rigging creaked, the sails stood out, the foam flew fast and free.
The pirates gathered on the deck and buckled on their swords,
Rolled up their sleeves, and combed their beards, and spoke piratic words.
But suddenly the Bo's'n came a-rushing up to me,
His face was pale, his nose was red, he spoke: "Good sir," said he,
"Yon vessel is from Switzerland, and, verily, I fear
We'll find she is not what she seems, as soon as we get near;
She looks to me as though she might—might be a privateer"
(But when he found she wasn't one, he shed a private tear.)
Said I: "Load up the cannons, boys, with ten-pound cannon-balls;
I care not what yon ship may be, into my hands she falls!
We'll take her, and we'll take her guns, her captain, and her crew,
Her cook, her cabin steward, and her precious cargo, too!"
So the Gunner and the Gunner's Mate they lifted up the hatch,
And they called upon the pirates who formed the starboard watch
To help them lift the cannon-balls from out the magazine
Where all the cannon-balls were kept, wrapped up in bombazine.
But presently the Gunner's Mate came rushing to the rail,
His hair was standing up on end, his face was very pale,
He cried: "Oh, Captain, woe is me, no cannon-balls are left;
Of shot and shell of every kind the magazine's bereft.
There's not a piece of shrapnel, no canister or grape,
There's not enough of buckshot to kill a good-sized ape!"
The Bo's'n, who stood near at hand, gazed sadly at us both,
And then he pulled his pistols out and swore a mighty oath:
"How shall we take yon Switzer ship," he said, "without a shell?"
"We've got to fight," I answered him. "Won't cheese do just as well?"
For, two days previously, you know, we met a brigantine
From Amsterdam for Zululand, by name the Bandoline,
And in her hold she carried a fine cargo, if you please,
Consisting of a hundred thousand dozen Edam cheese.
We took a hundred dozen and stowed them on the poop
Between the after cannon and the Captain's chicken-coop.
(The crew had used the cheeses and some bottles from the galley,
The day before, to improvise a sort of bowling-alley.)
Said I: "We'll take these Edam cheese and put them in the guns,
And shoot them at the Switzer ship until she sinks or runs;
For surely such proceeding will be worse than shot or shell,
Just think of being hit with cheese—say nothing of the smell!"
The pirates laughed and vowed my scheme would give them lots of fun;
And soon a big, red, round, Dutch cheese was rammed in every gun.
It was not long before the Black Avenger came abreast
And hailed the ship from Switzerland with true piratic zest;
But not a Switzer said a word, nor made they any sign,
But all the sailors on the ship were ranged along in line,
And leaned upon the starboard rail, with sunken pallid cheeks
As though they had not tasted food for six or seven weeks.
The swarthy Bo's'n hailed again, and as no answer came
The Gunner's Mate averred it was high time to start the game.
I spoke the word, and seven guns all loaded up with cheese
Were fired at the Switzer ship as nicely as you please;
And then a second volley went, and soon again a third.
And when the smoke had cleared away we saw what had occurred.
Each cheese had hit the Switzer ship and flattened on her decks,
The Switzer men were wading in the cheese up to their necks.
We waited then to see what sort of fighting they would make,
And wondered how much cheese these Switzer sailor-men could take.
But as we waited silence came all o'er the Switzer craft,
And not a seaman seemed to move, or forward or abaft.
I called the Bo's'n to the bridge, and "Take the gig," said I;
"Go board yon ship, where all is still, and learn the reason why."
The Bo's'n quick got in the gig with sixteen of the crew,
He took along a cannon and an Edam cheese or two,
And half an hour he was gone, then slowly rowed he back;
He said to me: "Good Captain," he sobbed, "alas, alack!
Upon that floating vessel there's no one left to fight;
There's not a living creature, not a living thing in sight.
No man remains to give reply to any kind of question:
The Switzers ate up all the cheese, and died of indigestion."
There was another great demonstration of approval as soon as the ex-Pirate had concluded, but Tommy paid little attention to the noise this time, because he had become somewhat accustomed to it.
"You see," said the ex-Pirate, apologetically, "I could not very well read anything like that—all about cheese—in the presence of the Welsh Rabbit; could I?"
"Of course not," agreed Tommy; "but is it true that—"
"I say," interrupted the Gopher, leaning in front of Tommy and addressing himself to the ex-Pirate; "I know another joke now. I know what the Bo's'n said to the Gunner's Mate when he told him to shoot at the ship."
"Well, what did he tell him?" asked the ex-Pirate, incautiously.
"Cheese it!" shouted the Gopher, who was immediately seized with such a violent fit of laughter that he fell under the table, and almost buried himself under the pile of broken soup plates.