He (with no end of near but not very dear relatives). "So very sorry! First Cousin—ah, yes." (Recovering himself.) "So long ago, you know.... Had you been my Last Cousin, this never could have occurred!"
Coins of 'Vantage.—The Dundee Advertiser calls attention to Mr. "Robert Wallace, M.P. Edin.'s," complaint that the Imperial Parliament contains, in himself and another Mr. Robert Wallace, two Members with the same surnames and identical Christian names. Mr. "Robert Wallace, M.P. Edin.," suggests that he may get his namesake's Christmas bills, while "the other fellow" receives his (Mr. "R. W., M.P. E.'s") invitations to dinner. Could not the little difficulty be overcome with the aid of a coin of the realm? Let the first Mr. Robert call himself "Bob," and the second Mr. Robert "half a florin." This should settle the matter amicably; although both, no doubt, are worth considerably more than a shilling.
A Severe Critic.—"Slatin' Pasha."
RE-INCARNATION.
Monday.—Have just been reading in the Pall Mall Magazine a wonderful story called "A Re-Incarnation," by the author of "A Green Carnation." He seems fond of carnations. Re-Incarnation and Gre-Encarnation. Should have been in the exhibition of the National Carnation Society at the Crystal Palace. His story tells how a man murdered a white cat, and afterwards married its soul, re-incarnated in the body of a young woman with "china-blue" eyes and a large fortune. Marvellous! Must carefully avoid marrying young women with "china-blue" eyes and large fortunes, though the latter might not be so harmful.
Tuesday.—That theory of re-incarnation impresses me wonderfully. Think about it all night. In the silent darkness remember that I once stamped on a black beetle. My nurse called it "a black beadle." Think of this with horror. Will it come back to murder me? Terrible! Get up still nervous. Must go out into the air and sunlight, to dispel my gloomy thoughts. Stroll along Piccadilly. To avoid a shower step into the Burlington Arcade. Heavens, what is that by the entrance? It is a man in black—a black beadle! Gaze at him aghast. It has come back, the soul of that harmless crawling thing which I crushed in my boyhood, and now——Fly while there is yet time! Ha! I am safe at home at last.
Wednesday.—Have now no doubt of this marvellous theory. It is probable that re-incarnation may sometimes go the other way. Will investigate at the Zoological Gardens. Directly I see the largest elephant I recognise my late mother-in-law. The large, heavy form, the habit of trampling obstacles under foot—obstacles such as myself—the very cap-strings, now become ears flapping in the wind, all are there. She always poked her nose into everything, and she does it now. What a proboscis she has! Must tell the keeper the real truth to prevent mishaps. Tell him confidentially. He grins. Assure him that I am quite serious. He leads me gently by the arm to the exit, where the turnstile only turns one way, and advises me to go home at once.