Her Companion. They don't ride ostriches.
Miss Simpson (in a tone of pity and reproof). That only shows you've never read your Swiss Family Robinson!
A Gobe-mouche. Well, I never see a white lamb with a black 'ed before; that is a curiosity, ain't it'?
His Phlegmatic Friend. Not arf such a curiosity as if it 'ad 'ad a black 'ed be'ind.
A Censorious Lady (before a row of baby elephants). Oh, aren't they horrid! Look at their horrid little eyes. (As one of them protrudes a predatory trunk.) Oh, get away, do! They are the most hideous creatures I've ever seen! Look at that one, all wrinkled and baggy like an old man. See, it's wagging its head about like a Chinese doll! I do think they're quite loathsome, don't you?
Her Companion (a more Tolerant Person). I daresay they would'nt look so bad if they were varnished up a bit.
In the Ostrich Farm.
The Keeper (who apparently considers his Show as moral as Artemus Ward's—to the Public generally). I've came over here From California, whose golden waters kiss The mouth of her Sunny Sands, and where there air strawberries all the year round. On the farm where I live there were only fourteen days in all of lasst year when we had no strawberries. The most Glorious climate In the World; and, if anyone don't believe it, all they've got to do is to die; and then, if they've been good, they'll go there, and find out for themselves. I'm not under Con-tràct To say a single word here, but I want to talk to you about these birds, because they're generally misunderstood. They walk en-tirely From the Toe, which gives them the graceful, springy action you see. They air all named after the greatest people now living on airth. This one close to the rails is called Jim Blake. Mark well the Peculiarities, Life, Habits, and Characteristics of the Ostrich, and you will all of you go away And lead A moral life. The only absolootly Purrfect Being on This ole Universe is the bird now passing in front of me. Her name is Gail Hamilton, and She has The Smallest Feet of anyone here present, and the Smallest Head. She has only one ounce of brains inside of it, and that is Sufficient for her requirements, and nobody would have any use for more if they did not suffer From swelled heads.... Yes, little girl, you're purrfectly right—the ostrich does run zig-zag, which is A Fact that is Unknown to many Scientific men. The kick of the ostrich is as quick as lightning—quicker 'n lightning, be-cause you can see lightning, but you cann't see an ostrich's kick, which is four kicks to the second, and kills a man every time. At certain seasons it is Impossible to go among these birds except On horseback, and pro-vided with a stout pole with a fork at the end for Self-defence. All of these birds are here on Sale, and there is a large demand for them for Gentlemen's Parks and Country seats.
A Suburban Humourist (to his Wife). What d'ye say to gettin' a pair on 'em fur our back-yard, eh?
His Wife. 'Ow you do tork, 'Enery! 'Oo do you suppose is goin' to 'ang the washing out with two o' them great houtlandish beasts lolloping around? Not me, and so I tell yer. I've enough work on my 'ands without no austridges!