"Tell him that I have just sailed for ... er—for the Front."
LE DERNIER CRI.
Being the Soliloquy of the Oldest Parrot.
Hallo! Hallo! Hallo! Polly-olly-wolly! Scratch a poll! It isn't that I shout the loudest, though I fancy I could keep my end up in the monkey-house if it came to that. Many a parrot wastes all his energy in wind. It's brains, not lungs, that make a full crop. Extend your vocabulary. Another thing—don't make yourself too cheap. The parrot that always gives his show free lives the whole of his life on official rations—and nothing else. Half-a-pint o' mild-an'-bitter! Pom! Pom!
I'm the oldest inhabitant, and I've the biggest waist measurement for my height in Regent's Park. That's my reward. I'll admit I've a bad memory; most parrots have, except the one that used to sing "Rule Britannia" and knew the name of every keeper in the Zoo—and he went into hospital with something-on-the-brain. But I've moved with the times. There aren't many catch-phrases I haven't caught. "Walker," "Who's Griffiths?" and drawing corks in the old "Champagne Charlie" days; and "You're another," "Get your hair cut," "Does your mother know you're out?" "My word, if I catch you bending!" "After you with the cruet." But I've a bad memory. Have a banana? I don't think!...
I'm never quite sure of myself, and so just have to say what comes uppermost. Shun! Stanterteeze! Form-forz, you two! Half-a-pint o'....
I've found it doesn't do to repeat everything the sergeant says. We had a Naval parrot once.... Why, take for instance that young man with his greasy feathers brushed back like a parrakeet's. He looked good for a few grapes any day, but when, just to encourage him, I chortled, "Kitchener wants yer!" he frowned and walked away. I did good business later, though. Pulled up a bunch of Khaki people by just shouting "'Alt!" I admired their taste in oranges. Down with the Kaiser! By the way, I've shouted "Down with" almost everybody in my time. Johnny, get your gun; Goobye, Tipperlairlee.
But the best is "Veeve la Fronce." Last week one of those foreign officers heard me "veeving" softly to myself. In half a minute he'd collected a dozen of his friends and relatives, and I could see more coming in the distance. The excitement! My tail! "Marie! Alphonse!" he shouted. "Regarday dong ce brave wozzo!" They gave me butterscotch; they gave me muscatels; they gave me a meringue, and lots of little sweet biscuits (I don't take monkey-nuts these days, thank you!) and they all talked at once. Then a lovely creature with a cockatoo's crest on her head bent forward and coaxed me in a voice like ripe bananas. And there was I sitting like a fool, my mouth crammed and my mind a blank! The crowd was growing every minute. The cockatoo girl ran to the kiosk and bought me French nougat; I ate it. Then I made a desperate effort—"Has anybody here seen Kelly?"
Bless the camel-keeper! At that very moment I heard him ringing the "all-out" bell.