And first, among them that be unfortunate before the production of their works may he enumerated—

  1. —He that, having but one manuscript of his piece leaveth the same with the manager for inspection, and it falleth out that he seeth it no more, neither heareth thereof.
  2. —He that having translated a piece from the French, and bestowed thereon much time, findeth himself forestalled.
  3. —He that, having written a pantomime, carrieth it in his pocket, and straight there cometh a dishonest person, who, taking the same, selleth it for waste paper.
  4. —He that presenteth his piece to all the theatres in succession, and lo! it ever returneth, accompanied with a polite note expressive of disapprobation or the like.
  5. —He whose piece is approved by the manager, but, nevertheless, the same produceth it not, for divers reasons, which do vary at every interview.
  6. —He that communicateth the idea of a yet unwritten drama to a friend, who, being of a fair wit, and prompt withal, useth the same to his own ends and reapeth the harvest thereof.

And secondly, of them that be unfortunate after the production of their works, there be some whose pieces are successful, and there be some whose pieces are not successful.

And firstly, of unfortunate authors whose pieces are unsuccessful there be—

  1. —Those who write a piece which faileth through its own demerits, which may be, as—
    1. —He that writeth a farce or comedy, and neglecteth to introduce jokes in the same.
    2. —He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth bad jokes in the same.
    3. —He that writeth a farce or comedy, and introduceth old jokes in the same.
    4. —He that writeth a tragedy, and introduceth matter for merriment therein.
    5. —He that, in either tragedy, comedy, farce, or other entertainment, shocketh the propriety of the audience, or causeth a division in the same, by political allusions.
  2. —He that writeth a piece which faileth, though not through its own demerits, which may be, as—
    1. —When the principal actor, not having the author’s words by heart, and being of a suggestive wit and good assurance, substituteth others, which he deemeth sufficient.
    2. —When the principal actor, not having the author’s words by heart, and being of a dull and heavy turn, and deaf withal, substituteth nothing, but standeth aghast, yearning for the voice of the prompter.
    3. —When the scene-shifter ingeniously introduceth a forest into a bed-chamber, or committeth the like incongruity, marvellous pleasant and mirthful to behold, but in no way conducive to success.
    4. —When pistols or other fire-arms do miss fire; when red fire igniteth not, or igniteth the scenes; when a trap-door refuseth to open, a rope to draw, and the like.
    5. —When the author intrusteth his principal part to a new actor, and it falleth out that the same doth grievously offend the audience, who straight insist that he do quit the stage, whereby the ruin of the piece is consummated.
    6. —Likewise there be misfortunes that arise from the audience; as, when at a momentous point of the plot there entereth one heated with liquor, and causeth a disturbance, or a woman with a huge bonnet becometh the subject of a discussion as to her right to wear the same, and impede the view of them that be behind; also when there cometh in a ruffian, or more, in a pea-coat, who having been charged by an enemy to work the ruin of the piece, endeavoureth to do the same, by dint of hisses or other unseemly noises, all of which be highly pernicious.

Secondly, of those unfortunate authors who have been successful, there be—

  1. —He whose piece, albeit successful, is withdrawn to make room for the Christmas pantomine, Easter piece, or other entertainment equally cherished by the manager, who thereupon groundeth a plea of non-payment.
  2. —He who being a creditor of the manager, and the same being unable to meet his obligations, by an ingenious contrivance of the law becometh cleansed thereof, an operation which hath been conceitedly termed “whitewashing.”
  3. —He that writeth a piece with a friend, and the same claimeth the entire authorship thereof and emolument therefrom.

And there be divers other calamities which we have neither space nor time to enumerate, but which be all incentives to abstain from dramatic writing.

PERDITUS.