REFORM YOUR LAWYERS’ BILLS.
It is a well-known and established fact, that nothing so far conduces to the domestic happiness of all circles as the golden system of living within one’s income. Luxuries cease to be so if after-reflection produces vexatious results; comfort flies before an exorbitant and unprepared-for demand; and the debtor dunned by the merciless creditor sinks into something worse than a cipher, as nothingness is denied him, and the one standing before him but aggravates, and multiplies his painful annoyances. The great secret of satisfactory existence derives its origin from well-calculated and moderate expenditure. Ten thousand a year renders pines cheap at 1l. 11s. 6d. per pound; ten hundred is better exemplified by Ribston pippins!
So in all grades are there various matters of taste which become extravagance if rushed into by persons unbreeched for the occasion. Luckily for the present day, the tastes of the gourmand and epicure are merged in more manly sports; the great class of Corinthian aristocrats cull sweets from the blackened eyes of policemen—raptures from wrenched-off knockers—merriment in contusions—and frantic delight in fractured limbs! These innocent amusements have in their prosecution plunged many of their thoughtless and high-spirited devotees into pecuniary difficulties, simply from their ignorance of the costs attendant upon such exciting, fashionable, and therefore highly proper amusements.
Ever anxious to ameliorate the suffering and persecuted of ail classes, Messrs. Quibble and Quirk, attorneys-at-law, beg to offer their professional services at the following fixed and equitable rate,—they, Messrs. Q. and Q., pledging themselves that on no occasion shall the charge exceed the sum opposite the particular amusement in the following list.
N.B. Five per cent, per annum taken off for terms of imprisonment.
☞ N.B. For prompt payment only.
Messrs. Q. and Q.’s card of charges for defending a Nobleman, Right Honble., Baronet, Knight, Esquire., Gentleman, Younger Son, Head Clerk, Junior do., Westminster Boy, Medical Student, Grecian at Christ’s Church, Monitor, or any other miscellaneous individual aping or belonging to the aristocracy, from the following prosecutions:—
£ s. To breaking a policeman’s neck 50 0 To producing witnesses to swear policeman broke same himself 10 0 To choice of situation of house in street where done, from roof of which policeman fell; fee to landlord for number and affidavit 10 10 Total for neck, acquittal, witnesses, and perjury £70 10 For do. leg, ribs, arms, head, nose, or other unimportant member 15 0 For receipt written by wife of handsome provision 1 0 For writing and indorsing same 5 5 Extras for alibis, if necessary; hire of clothes for witnesses to look decent, including loss by their absconding with the name 10 10 Total £31 15 For knockers by gross in populous neighbourhoods 20 0 For carpenter proving same never fitted their respective doors there engaged 3 3 All extras included 1 1 Total £24 4 N.B.—Messrs. Q. and Q. beg to suggest, as the above charges are low, the old iron may as well be left at their offices.
For railings, per knob or dozen, assaults on police included, if not amounting to fracture 5 5 For suppressing police reports, or getting them put in in a sporting manner, the word gentleman substituted for prisoner, and “seat on the bench” for “place at the bar” 10 10 Total £15 15 And all other legal articles in the above lines at equally low charges.
Noblemen and gentlemen contracting for seven years allowed a handsome discount. No connexion with any other house.
| £ | s. | |
| To breaking apoliceman’s neck | 50 | 0 |
| To producing witnesses toswear policeman broke same himself | 10 | 0 |
| To choice of situation ofhouse in street where done, from roof of which policeman fell; fee tolandlord for number and affidavit | 10 | 10 |
| Total for neck, acquittal, witnesses, andperjury | £70 | 10 |
| For do. leg, ribs, arms,head, nose, or other unimportant member | 15 | 0 |
| For receipt written by wifeof handsome provision | 1 | 0 |
| For writing and indorsingsame | 5 | 5 |
| Extras for alibis, ifnecessary; hire of clothes for witnesses to look decent, including loss bytheir absconding with the name | 10 | 10 |
| Total | £31 | 15 |
| For knockers by gross inpopulous neighbourhoods | 20 | 0 |
| For carpenter proving samenever fitted their respective doors there engaged | 3 | 3 |
| All extras included | 1 | 1 |
| Total | £24 | 4 |
N.B.—Messrs. Q. and Q. beg to suggest, as the above charges arelow, the old iron may as well be left at their offices. | ||
| For railings, per knob ordozen, assaults on police included, if not amounting to fracture | 5 | 5 |
| For suppressing policereports, or getting them put in in a sporting manner, the word gentlemansubstituted for prisoner, and “seat on the bench” for“place at the bar” | 10 | 10 |
| Total | £15 | 15 |
“WHEN VULCAN FORGED,” &c.
“Bless my soul!” said Sir Peter Laurie, rushing into the Justice-room the morning the Exchequer Bill affair was discovered, and seizing Hobler by the button; “This is a dreadful business. Have you any idea, Hobler, who the delinquent is?” “Why really, Sir Peter, ’tis difficult to say; but from an inspection of the forged instruments I should say it was Smith’s work.” Sir Peter felt the importance of the suggestion, and rushed off to Sir Robert Peel to recommend the stoppage of all the forges in the kingdom.