HOW IT'S DONE.
(A Handbook to Honesty.)
No. VIII.-"SOLD AGAIN!"
SCENE—An Auction-room, breathing an air of solid, if somewhat Philistinish suburban comfort and respectability. Amidst a labyrinthine accumulation of household furniture, a number of people are dispersed, many of them substantial-looking middle-class male and female "buyers," with lists and lead-pencils, on the look-out for "bargains," a sprinkling of the ancient race, and an outer fringe of casual, lounging, lookers-on. The gentleman in the rostrum is a voluble personage, with a rapidly roving eye, of preternatural quickness in picking up "bids." Attendants, shaggy men, in soiled shirt-sleeves, with saw-dusty whiskers, and husky voices. A pleasant-faced Paterfamilias, and his "Good lady," are discovered inspecting a solidly-built, well-seasoned, age-toned chest of mahogany drawers.
Paterfamilias (sotto voce). Just what you want, my dear, as far as I can see. What do you think?
Materfamilias. I like the look of them much, JOHN. None of your new, cheap, thinly-veneered, blown-together rubbish, smelling of shavings and French-polish. Solid ma'ogany, every bit; the drawers run as smoothly as could be wished, and—see! if there ain't actually some sprigs of dry lavender still a laying in 'em!
Paterfamilias (decidedly). Just so, my dear, I shall certainly bid for them. [Marks his catalogue vigorously.
Auctioneer (dropping his hammer smartly). Sold! Remove the first-class feather-bed, SAM. Buyer o' that has a bargain! (Nodding blandly to pleased purchaser). Really the prices at which things are going to-night are ruinous! 'Owever, there's no reserve, and the lucky public gets the pull. The next article, Ladies and Gents, No. 471, is a very superior, well-made, fully-seasoned, solid Spanish, ma'ogany chest of drawers. Chest o' drawers, SAM! (To Paterfamilias.) Would you mind standing a inch or so aside, Sir? Thanks! There they are, Ladies and Gentlemen, open to hinspection, and warranted to bear it. An unusually excellent lot, fit for the sleeping-apartment of a prince, at a price within the means of a pork-butcher. (Laughter.) Oh, it's righteous, Gents. No 'umbug about me. There's quality, if you like. Well worth a ten-pun note. What shall I have the pleasure of saying for this very superior article? 'Ow much for the chest o' drawers? Who bids for the ma'ogany chest? Thirty shillings. Thank you, Sir! Any advance on thirty shillings? Thirty-five! And six! Thirty-five-and-six for this very desirable little lot! Worth five times the amount, Ladies, as you know! What do you think. Mum? [To Materfamilias, who smiles vaguely, and looks at her husband.
Paterfamilias. Two pounds! [Feels he has made an impression.