Phil. Well, at least you ought to be grateful.
Art. Grateful! Grateful for what?
Phil. Why, for free education—for education, you know, that costs you nought.
Art. Oh, it costs nought, does it? Then thank you for nothing!
[Exeunt—in very different directions!
MUSIC FOR THE PARLIAMENTARY MILLION.
MR. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., has announced that during the Recess he will deliver political addresses interspersed with songs and music. To assist him we have prepared a specimen "utterance," which, for the sake of convenience, we have thrown into a dramatic form.
Enter Mr. FARMER-ATKINSON, M.P., with an assortment of musical instruments which he places on a table in front of him. Immense applause, during which the Hon. Gentleman picks up a Cornet and plays a solo. Enthusiasm.
Mr. Farmer-Atkinson (bowing after recovering from his exertions). Ladies and Gentlemen. (Hear, hear!) Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen, for your cordial reception. (Applause.) And you must know, Ladies and Gentlemen, that although I have given you a solo on the cornet, I did not visit this flourishing town (cheers), this highly civilised town (renewed applause), this model town (hearty cheering), with the intention of blowing my own trumpet. (He pauses—silence.) Don't you understand? I did not want to blow my own trumpet—joke, see? (A laugh.) Thank you! And now about the Irish Question. Well everybody harps upon it. So will I. "Come back to Erin." (Plays and sings the touching melody—a harp accompaniment—applause.) Thank you! And now about the Triple Alliance. Well, I think I can illustrate that, both musically and politically. Triple means three. Well, I will take this drum on my back, beating it with the sticks that are bound to my shoulders; then I will apply my mouth to this set of pipes, while I beat a triangle with my hands. There! (Plays the musical instruments simultaneously—applause.) Thank you! You see I get some sort of music. A little unattractive possibly ("No! no!"), but still sufficiently pleasing to elicit your admiration. ("Hear, hear!") Thank you! Well, this effect reminds me of the Triple Alliance. We may take the drum to represent Italy, the set of pipes Germany, always fond of making a shrill noise, and the triangle will ably represent Austria. See? (Great applause.) And now I am very unwilling to weary you further. ("No, no!") Thank you! But I myself have an appointment which I must keep, so therefore, I must conclude my entertainment—I should say speech. Otherwise you would grow weary of me? ("No, no!") Thank you! But before bidding you good-bye, I must sing you one more song that I think will please everybody. It is called "Home Sweet Home." (Thunders of applause.) And now I will just get the right key and fire away. (He tunes up harp, and prepares to play.) And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, silence please, while I sing the most touching song in my répertoire. (Sings with immense feeling, "Home, Sweet Home.") Now then, Ladies and Gentlemen, chorus, please—