By presenting an Average Bat!
PRIVATE REFLECTIONS OF THE PUBLIC ORATOR AT CAMBRIDGE.
(As recorded by Mr. Punch's Patent Phonograph.)
Deadly business, this Latin joking. One speech is bad enough, but fifteen are absolutely crushing. Still it must be done. Shade of CICERO, befriend me! Here goes:—
"What on earth can I say about the DUKE OF EDINBURGH? Mustn't offend these blessed Royalties. Am told they never take kindly to jokes. Let me see, he served on the Euryalus (query? ought I to bring in Nisus). Travelled a great deal—multorum vidit et urbes. Mem. Work this up. By the way, ALFRED's his name. Bring in ALFRED and the cakes. ALFRED thrashed Danes. PRINCE OF WALES married a Dane. To be worked up. Sailor-Prince: mem. O navis referent, etc. See also VIRGIL's description of storm. Prince plays fiddle. Might say that VIRGIL was poet quem vicina Cremonæ Mantua genuit. Did this, years ago, for old JOACHIM, but can use it again. Never mind the væ nimium miseræ vicina Cremonæ. Prince won't know about that. What's the best Latin for Admiral? Daughter betrothed to Crown PRINCE OF ROUMANIA. Can get in Roman legionaries. Ripping!!
"NORTHBROOK's fairly easy. Oxford man. Mustn't mention he only got Second Class. Never mind, India will pull me through. Conquests of ALEXANDER, and all that sort of thing. Must look up RUDYARD KIPLING for latest tips. Dusky brothers (Query, sub-fusci fratres?) good Academical joke this; sure to fetch the VICE-CHANCELLOR. Pity the CHANCELLOR's so poor in Latin.
"CRANBROOK next. Bother all these brooks! He's a Viscount (Vice-Comes DE CRANBROOK). Lord President of Council; looks after education. That'll do it. Who's this fool that has sent a post-card asking me to say something about Educatio libera? Num est tuus servus canis ut hanc rem faciat?
"HENRY JAMES. Dear me! No University education. Must refer to CICERO as a barrister. Solicitor Generalis doesn't sound right somehow. Refused to be Lord Chancellor. Mem. Get good joking Latin for Woolsack. Factory and Workshops Act must see me through.
"JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN. Hard nut to crack. Can't say I like him myself. Birminghamiæ decus; civium consensu ter—What the dickens is Mayor in Latin? Did anybody make screws in ancient Rome? Mem. Work up orchids and eyeglass. Una cum Cancellario nostro seni grandi restitit. Absolutely no literary distinction. Still, he's got a son who was a Cambridge man. Must get in a sly dig at OSCAR BROWNING and East Worcestershire. Something about old-age pensions. Bah, I hate the job!