He expects to continue to receive—
1. Jests that have appeared in his own pages, but which are warranted to have been invented, or heard, "the other day."
2. The jest of the day, one that has been heard a million times.
3. Profane, and even lower jests, sent by creatures who pretend to be readers of Punch.
4. Idiotic jests, usually laid upon the shoulders of "my little boy," or "my youngest girl." Punch would pity the children of such parents, but that he generally disbelieves in the existence of the innocents.
5. Sketches, to be used in his next without fail, or, if rejected, to be instantly returned. These burn well, and he prefers those on cardboard, as they crackle prettily.
6. Things, literary or artistic, that have been "dashed off." The mere word "dash" is the cue for instant fire.
7. Compositions, poor in themselves, whose insertion is prayed because the authors are poor also. Is Mr. Punch to perform his charities at the expense of society?
8. Aged jokes, possibly recently heard for the first time by the Stupid Sender, but more probably copied from print.
9. Post-Cards, or communications with the Halfpenny Stamp. These are all selected by his Deputy-Assistant-Under-Secretary, and destroyed unread.
10. Absolute Stupidities.
Let them come. And when a Sender getteth no answer, let him take counsel with himself, and consider to which of the above Ten Categories his work belongs. One will certainly fit it. To this Table Mr. Punch will make reference when he may please to do so. Let intending Contributors learn it by heart.
Now, laying down the Chopper of Lycurgus, and putting on the Smile of Plato, Mr. Punch, raising the festal goblet, wisheth to all his faithful and true Disciples, those whose handwritings ever give him joy and gladness,—
A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES
At the top of page 2, there was an illustration (Utile Cum Dulce), a poem (Old Ghosts and New), and a short clip (Memorandum for Lords of the Manor). They have all been moved to after the poem (The Nation's New-Year's Day) that continued from page 1.
At the top of page 10, there was an illustration (Compliments of the Season), a poem (Monody on McGrath), and a short clip (Happy Dispatch). They have all been moved to after the article (My Health) that continued from page 9.