(A Handbook to Honesty.)
NO. IV.—THE GRAND OLD (JOBBING) GARDENER.
SCENE—the Garden of a modest Suburban Villa. Present, Simple Citizen, with budding horticultural ambitions, and Jobbing Gardener, "highly recommended" for skill and low charges. The latter is a grizzled personage, very bowed as to back, and baggy as to breeches, but in his manner combining oracular "knowingness" and deferential plausibility in a remarkable degree.
Simple Citizen. You see SMUGGINS, things are a little bit in the rough here, at present.
Grand Old Gardener. Ah, you may well say that, Sir! Bin allowed to run to rack and ruin, this here pooty bit o' garding has. Want a lot o' clearing, scurryfunging, and topping and lopping, afore it'll look anythink like. But it's got the making of a puffeck parrydise in it, a puffeck parrydise it has—with my adwice.
S.C. Glad to hear you say so, SMUGGINS. Now what I propose is—
G.O.G. (laying a horny hand on S.C.'s coat-sleeve). If you'll ascuse me, Sir, I'll jest give yer my ideas. It'll save time. (Lays down artfully the lines of a plan involving radical alteration of paths, and lawns, and beds, shifting of shrubs, cutting down of trees, rooting up of trailers, and what he calls "toppin' an' loppin'" to a tremendous extent.) Then, Sir, you'll 'ave a bit o' garding as'll be the pride o' yer eye, and a tidy bit o' profit into the bargain, or I don't know my bizness. An' I oughter too, seeing as I wos 'ed gardener to the Dook of FITZ-FUZZ for close on twenty year, afore the rheumaticks took me like wot you see. Hu-a-a-h!!!
S.C. Yes; but, SMUGGINS, all these alterations will run into time and—expense, I'm afraid.
G.O.G. (confidentially). You leave that to me, Sir! The fust expense'll be the biggest, and a saving in the long run, take my word. And then you will 'ave a garding, you will, one as that 'ere muddled up bit o' greenery nex door won't be a patch on it, for all he's so proud of it.(Gets Simple Citizen into his clutches, and works him to his will.)
SCENE II.—The Same, six months later in the Season.