MR. PUNCHINELLO:--I knowee you, but you no knowee me. My name SOOGIWOORA. I Japanee young mans friend of Tycoon, great ruler. I read muchee your paper. Sometimes it makee me laugh--sometimes cry. We have also much funee mans in Japan. I come here with other Japanee young mans to your college, what you call RUTGER'S, for learn to be great statesman, for study--how you call--logeec and diplomacee, to makee treatee. Much I readee your treatees and your policy much astudee. How too much I can admire your great statesmans. Your SEWARD, he great American mans, he gainee much territoree to the United States. He also payee much for it. No gettee much in return. No matter. Americans rich peoples. They tella me Alaska too cold. Japanee mans no could live there then. Much snow and ice, big rocks, and--what you call--Fur Trees. How that? Fur no grow on tree in Japan. Strange ting. Muchee animal they say--what you call--walrus there. Perhaps Whale. That makee me to tink of Mr. FEESH. He is deep, that FEESH. So deep I no can understand hims. They tella me much other peoples no can understand hims too. He makee much policee with his Foreign Relations. I ask a much people to tella me who are his Foreign Relations. They laugh great deal and tella me Spain and General PRIM. No knowee Spain countree in Japan. I no tink it much of a countree, no havee muchee--how you call--Commerce. One ting puzzle me great deal. Here much freedom. Sometimes I tink, too much. But that Island--how you call it--Cuba. People tella me Spain cruel to that island. Now I read muchee in the speeches and--how you call--State papers, of great American mans, that your government is friend of--what you call 'ems--two awfully hard word--Inglees very hard--Stop! I go get book--O, now I have hims--Oppressed Nationalities. Now, you lettee Spain buy--what you call--gunboats and big guns and powder and balls for shoot, but you no lettee Cuba buy. I ask some peoples how that is. They tella me Nootrality. Funny ting, Nootrality. Fraid Japanee mans stoopid, no can understand hims now. Never mind. Learn bimeby.
Anoder ting. I no hear any one say General GRANT great mans. Only say he go muchee to clam bake, go fishee and much smokee. Dat's all. Why you makee him you ruler then? Because that he so much smokee? Tings much different here from Japan. Tycoon or Mikado no go clam bake, no go fishee. Stay at home and govern Japanee. No time go fishee. Only smoke opium sometimes. Why General GRANT no smokee opium too? Good ting for Japanee trade.
Since that I arrivee here much peoples aska me about hari-kari. One mans he aska me if that what Japanee mans eat. I laugh great deal, and tella him Japanee mans much prefer bird nest soup and shark fin. Then he laugh much great deal too. Why? The other day I tread on Professor mans foot. He old mans, much fat, with red nose and--how you call--gout. He swear one little swear, but no much loud, and look much 'fended. I say him, "No be 'fended," and proposee him hari-kari for--how you call--satisfaction. He much sprise, and say, "What hari-kari?" Then I tella hims that he should rip him ups and then I rip me ups--so. So Japanee mans do when not satisfy. Then he laugh much great deal, say he no 'fended, much satisfy, and shakee hands.
People here much friendly. Often say "Go drinkee with me." I say them I no go drinkee. They aska me "why not?" I say them Japanee man no want go talkee to lamp-post, shakee hands with pump, and try for makee light him cigar with door-key. So it make American man do. Drinkee no good for Japanee mans. Japanee TOMMY too much fond--what you call--cobblers. TOMMY bad boy. Got drunks. Him kill.
Some American mans too much questions askee. Want know too much. We have wild animal in Japan--what you call--Boar. We much fearee him. Run away when come. So I fearee and run away when come mans that too much questions ask. One ting puzzle me much. For why you call your money shinplaster? I no can tell, unless that he walk away so fast.
SOOGIWOORA
