“Don’t alarm yourself, Major,” said Owen, “I’ll answer for it she hasn’t drunk all the rum. The scoundrel is half-drunk himself, and smells like a spirit-vault. You’d better take your wife away,” he said to Bags.
“She can leave if she ain’t wanted,” said Private Bags, with dignity: “we never comes where we ain’t wanted.” And he advanced to remove the lady. Mrs Bags at first resisted this measure, proceeding to deliver a eulogium on her own excellent qualities, moral and culinary. She had, she said, the best of characters, in proof of which she made reference to several persons in various parts of the United Kingdom, and, as she spoke, she smiled more affably than ever.
“La picarilla no tiene verguenza” (the wretch is perfectly shameless), cried Carlota, who, having hastily removed the ham from the fire, was now looking after the rest of the dinner. The fowls, cut up in small pieces, were boiling along with the sheep’s head, and, probably to save time, the estimable Mrs Bags had put the rice and raisins destined for a pudding into the pot along with them—certainly, as Owen remarked, a bold innovation in cookery.
Still continuing to afford them glimpses of her personal history, Mrs Bags was at length persuaded to retire along with her helpmate.
“What astonishing impudence,” said the Major, shutting the door upon her, “to pretend to be a cook, and yet know no better than to roast a ham!”
Carlota, meanwhile, was busy in remedying the disaster as far as she could; cutting the ham into slices and frying it, making a fricassee of the fowls, and fishing the raisins out of the pot, exclaiming bitterly all the while, in English and Spanish, against the tunanta (equivalent to female scoundrel or scamp) who had spoilt the only nice dinner her pobrecito, her niño, her querido (meaning my grandfather), had been likely to enjoy for a long time, stopping occasionally in her occupations to give him a consolatory kiss. However, my grandfather did not keep up the character of a martyr at all well: he took the matter really very patiently; and when the excellent Carlota had set the dinner on the table, and he tasted the fine flavour of the maltreated ham, he speedily regained his accustomed good-humour.
“It is very strange,” he said presently, while searching with a fork in the dish before him, “that a pair of fowls should have only three wings, two legs, and one breast between them.”
It certainly was not according to the order of nature; nevertheless the fact was so, all my grandfather’s researches in the dish failing to bring to light the missing members. This, however, was subsequently explained by the discovery of the remains of these portions of the birds in the scullery, where they appeared to have been eaten after being grilled; and Mrs Bags’ reason for adopting this mode of cooking them was also rendered apparent—viz. that she might secure a share for herself without immediate detection.
However, all this did not prevent them from making the best of what was left, and the Major’s face beamed as he drank Carlota’s health in a glass of the remaining bottle of champagne, as brightly as if the dinner had been completely successful.