“Hoot, sir, ye ken naething. Wasn’t it by fa’in’ that Nelly M‘Whinnie got a man? I’ll tell you how. She used to walk by hersel, an’ whenever she came near a handsome sharpshooter, or gentleman chield that she wished to pick acquaintance wi’, she just pretended to gie a bit stumble, or to fall on one knee or so; and then, ye ken, the gentleman couldna do less than rin to lift her up, and ask if she was hurt, and so forth; an’ then she wad answer so sweet, and thank him so kindly, that the man must sae something civil; and then she would say, ‘Oh, sir, you are so obliging and so polite an’ just in this way she made the pleasantest acquaintances, an’ got a man by it, or a’ was done.”
“Ha, ha, ha! That is perfectly ridiculous, and hardly credible,” said I.
“Na, ye needna laugh in the least,” continued Miss Brodie, “for I’m telling you the truth; and didna the same lass break her arm wi’ her fa’ing?”
“Break her arm, Miss Brodie! Are you serious?”
“It’s perfectly true, Mr Balgownie. Ye see, sir, she was walking on speculation, in her usual manner, in the Green o’ Glasgow it was, as I believe, and somewhere near the Humanity House, by the side of the Clyde, when she observed three strappin’ fellows come blattering up behind her. This was an opportunity not to be let pass, an’ the day being frosty, an’ the road slightly slippery, afforded an excellent pretence for a stumble at least. Weel, sir, just when the gentlemen had got within three yards o’ her, Nellie gied a bit awkward sprauchle, and shot out a leg; but whether Nellie had mista’en her distance, or whether the men were up to her fa’in’ system, an’ wadna bite, never clearly appeared; but they werena forward in time to catch the lassie in their arms as she expected; an’ after a sprauchle an’ a stumble, down she came in good earnest, an’ broke her arm.”
“Ha, ha, ha! I would rather hear that story than any one of Mr Dumdrone’s best discourses,” said I. “But are you sure it’s true?”
“Did I no see Miss M‘Whinnie, the time she was laid up, wi’ the broken arm in a sling? But you see, sir, the gentlemen did gather round her when they saw she was fairly whomel’t, an’ gathered her up, nae doubt; an’ as soon as she got better o’ the broken arm, she took to fa’in’ again. But I believe she never gaed farther than a stoyter or a stumble after that, till ance she got a man.”
“And so, Miss Brodie, she did fall into a marriage?”
“Ou, ’deed did she, sir. A fallow caught her at last, as she fell; and there was nae mair walking the Trongate wi’ the lang parasol, like a bellman’s staff. But in the time o’ the sharpshooters and the cavalry, and the Merchants’ corps, and a’ the corps, I mind as weel as yesterday, how a great illness took place among the young women, and neither pills nor boluses were found to be of the least service, an’ the doctors were perfectly puzzled and perplexed, and knew not what to recommend in this general distress. But the young women, ane and a’, prescribed for themselves, from an inward understanding o’ their complaints, and nothing, they said, would cure the prevailing sickness but a walk in the morning in the Green o’ Glasgow. Now, sir, it happened so providential, the whole time that this influenza lasted, that the Sharpshooter corps, and the Cavalry corps, and the Trades’ corps, and the Merchants’ corps, and the Grocers’ corps, and a’ the corps were exercising in the Green o’ Glasgow, where a’ the young ladies were walking for their health. It was so beautiful and good for the ladies, when they were sick, to see thae sharpshooters, how they marched, wheeled, an’ whooped, an’ whooped, an’ ran this way, and that way, an’ whiles they fired on their knees, an’ then they would clap down on their backs, and fire at us, puir chields. And then, ye see, just when we had gotten an appetite for our breakfasts by our walk, the corps would be dismissed, and then the volunteer lads couldna but spread themselves among the ladies that were outside, just to spier after their complaints; an’ then naething but link arm wi’ the sharpshooters an’ the other corps, dizzens in a row, an’ be escorted hame to breakfast. Many a lass that was quite poorly and badly was relieved by these morning walks, and are now married women. Ah, thae were pleasant days, Mr Balgownie!”
“But, dear me, Miss Brodie,” I said, “how did it happen that you were allowed to remain single all this time? Had you no wooers at all?”