“Noo, sir,” said the worthy beadle, “can ye tell me, if the world is aye whirlin’ round aboot, what’s the reason we never come to the warm countries?”
I endeavoured to make the matter plain to his apprehension by supposing a rotatory motion of the human head, and the nose always maintaining its dignified position in the centre between the right ear and the left—an illustration which honest John did not seem to regard as satisfactory in the slightest degree.
Mrs M‘Bain’s house was of a very humble description; but she appeared to be a tidy woman, and the room allotted to me, though small, was clean and comfortable. John put down my portmanteau on a chair, with the mien and manner of one who has done his duty, and informed me that one of the elders and the precentor would likely call in a short time. For the precentor I was perfectly prepared, knowing well the psalms that would best suit my discourse; but I was not so sure what motive an elder could have for visiting me on a Saturday night. I inwardly hoped, at least, that if he did make his appearance, he would have the good sense not to trouble me long with his presence or his conversation, as I was again anxious to rehearse my discourse to silent chairs and an attentive table.
When Mrs M‘Bain was placing the tea-dishes on the table, she seemed disposed for a little talk, while I, on the contrary, was not at all in a communicative mood. However, she persevered, and drew me on by degrees, until at last she brought a series of queries to a climax by asking if I had been long a preacher. Now, this was a most absurd question for me to answer in my peculiar circumstances. If the people knew that I had never “wagged my head in a poupit” before, they would be sure to listen to me with the most dreadful silence, so that the slightest stammer would be multiplied and magnified by a hundred echoes. What was to be done? The question must be answered, and the truth must be told, despite the consequences. Mustering up courage, I told my landlady how the matter stood. Astonished she was, as might naturally have been expected. She uplifted her eyebrows, opened wide her eyes, drew a long breath, and said—“Dearie me, sir, ye’ll be awfu’ feared!” With this ejaculation, which afforded me little consolation indeed, Mrs M‘Bain left the apartment, and I knew that the tidings would be over the town, and talked about at every fireside in less than twenty minutes. It could not be helped; courage and resignation alone were required.
I had just finished swallowing in haste three cups of very hot tea, when the precentor entered. He was a man past middle age, with a countenance somewhat grim and gaunt, and a very unmusical mouth. His hair was sandy-coloured, and he was Sawney all over. I saw at once, from his steady stare, and the peculiar expression of his face, that Mrs M‘Bain had communicated to him the very pleasant intelligence that the new arrival was a “green hand.” He was not long in making me know that he was aware of the fact, although he did so in a very cautious, provoking kind of style. When the ice was fairly broken, he said, “It’s a kittle thing standin’ up afore an audience the first time. I mind fine yet what an awfu’ state I was in when I first sang i’ the desk. I kent the Auld Hunderd as weel as I kent my mither; but I wasna lang begun when I ran awa’ wi’ the harrows.” This kind of talk was rapidly becoming unendurable, and I entertained anything but a Christian sentiment of brotherly love towards the conductor of the psalmody.
“How long have you acted as precentor,” I enquired, anxious to change the current of conversation.
“I’ve precented in oor kirk,” he replied, “for twunty years, and, barrin’ three days last simmer, I’ve never missed a Sabbath.”
“That is very extraordinary,” I rejoined; “and what was wrong with you last summer?”
“Weel, sir, ye see I was howkin’ tatties for the denner in oor yaird ae day, when I coupit ower a skep by mistake, and I was awfu’ stung by bees.”
“Dear me,” I rejoined (for I could not resist such a favourable opportunity of stinging him again), “it was curious how the bees should have taken you for a drone!”