“Thank you, ma’am. That is as much as to say, ‘Bob, as you have treated us to broken meat, and lost the knives and forks, you will please to carve!’ Well, nabocklish, this isn’t a round table, like Prince Arthur’s, for it’s little more than half round, and we have old Howth at the head, and old Neptune at the foot of it; but, for the rest, we don’t stand upon precedence, and therefore I need not change my place, to preside. Mr Harvey, I’ll trouble you for the penknife—I beg pardon—the carver—hem! and that specimen of antediluvian cutlery, the ‘crukked ould fork.’ Thank you—shove over the beef now. Ods marrow-bones and cleavers! what a heap! Gentlemen, you had better turn up your cuffs as a needful preliminary; and, perchance, an ablution may also be necessary—you can get down to the water here, at this side.”
As soon as the party had re-assembled, after having washed their hands, he again addressed them.
“Mr Sharpe, and Mr Harvey, will you please to drag that, turkey asunder? Mr O’Brien, will you tear a wing off that fowl for Miss O’Donnell? Fitz, gnaw the cord off one of those ale bottles; draw the cork with your teeth, and send the bottle round. The corkscrew was with the knives.”
“Draw my teeth with the cork, you mean; I had rather knock off the neck, thank you,” said Fitz, about to suit the action to the word.
“No, no,” cried Bob, “do you forget that we must drink out of the bottles? Do you want the ladies to cut their pretty lips with the broken glass, you Mohawk! Though, faith,” said he, in an under-tone, to his fair companion, “I could almost wish such an accident to happen to some one that I know, that I might have an opportunity of exhibiting my courageous devotion, by sucking the wound.”
“A prize! a prize!” cried he, jumping up and running a little distance. He returned with five or six large Malahide oyster shells, that had been bleaching on the cliff, where they had been thrown by some former party. Two of them were top shells. “Here,” said he, throwing one to Sweeny, “is a carver for that ham; make haste and put an edge on it, on the rock. Ladies, here are primitive drinking goblets for you. Miss O’Brien, the pleasure of a shell of wine with you.”
“I have put a very good edge on the shell,” said Sweeny, “but I can’t cut the ham with it, it slides about so.”
“Psha! take a grip of it by the shank, can’t you? What are you afraid of, you omedhaun? Hold it fast, and don’t let it slide. Costello, break up that loaf and send it round. Mr O’Donnell, will you have the goodness to hold one of these ribs for me. Oh, faith, finger and thumb work won’t do; you must take it in your fist, and hold it tight; now pull—bravo! Beau Brummell would be just in his element here. Be my sowl, as Paddy Murphy says, I think if he saw us, he’d jump into that element there to get away.”
Mr Sharpe was now in his glory; he had, with Mr Harvey’s assistance, torn up the turkey; and seeing that Bob had decidedly the worst job at the table, he asked him for beef. Mr Harvey joined in the joke, and put in also; but their man was too able for them.
“As you are in partnership in the turkey business, in which you have been so successful,” said he, “you had better continue so, in the general provision line,” handing them a piece sufficient to satisfy two, and prevent them from calling again.