Of all the pages in English memoirs, none are so rich in humor and various observation as those devoted to the players. Carlyle somewhere says, that the only good biographies are those of actors; and he gives for a reason their want of respectability! Being ‘vagabonds’ by law in England, the truth of their histories he tells us is not varnished over by delicate omissions. The first branch of this assumption is certainly true, whatever cause may be at the bottom of it; and Mr. Cowell, in the very entertaining volume before us, has added another proof of the correctness of Herr Teufelsdröckh’s flattering conclusions. His narrative is rambling, various, instructive, and amusing. He plunges at once in medias res; and being in himself an epitome of his class; of their successes, excitements, reverses and depressions; he paints as he goes along a most graphic picture of the life of an actor. We shall follow his own desultory method; and proceed without farther prelude to select here and there a ‘bit’ from his well-filled ‘budget of fun.’ Let us open it with this common portrait of a vain querulous, complaining Thespian, who is never appreciated, never rewarded:
‘I was seated in the reading-room of the hotel, thinking away the half hour before dinner, when my attention was attracted by a singularly-looking man. He was dressed in a green coat, brass-buttoned close up to the neck, light gray, approaching to blue, elastic pantaloons, white cotton stockings, dress shoes, with more riband employed to fasten them than was either useful or ornamental; a hat, smaller than those usually worn, placed rather on one side of a head of dark curly hair; fine black eyes, and what altogether would have been pronounced a handsome face, but for an overpowering expression of impudence and vulgarity; a sort of footman-out-of-place-looking creature; his hands were thrust into the pockets of his coat behind, and in consequence exposing a portion of his person, as ridiculously, and perhaps as unconsciously, as a turkey-cock does when he intends to make himself very agreeable. He was walking rather fancifully up and down the room, partly singing, partly whistling ‘The Bay of Biscay O,’ and at the long-lived, but most nonsensical chorus, he shook the fag-ends of his divided coat tail, as if in derision of that fatal ‘short sea,’ so well known and despised in that salt-water burial-place. I was pretending to read a paper, when a carrier entered, and placed a play-bill before me on the table. I had taken it up and began perusing it, when he strutted up, and leaning over my shoulder, said:
‘‘I beg pardon, Sir; just a moment.’
‘I put it toward him.
‘‘No matter, Sir, no matter; I’ve seen all I want to see; the same old two-and-sixpence; Hamlet, Mr. Sandford, in large letters; and Laertes, Mr. Vandenhoff! O——!’
‘And with an epithet not in any way alluding to the ‘sweet South,’ he stepped off to the Biscay tune, allegro. I was amused; and perhaps the expression of my face encouraged him to return instantly, and with the familiarity of an old acquaintance, for he said:
‘‘My dear Sir, that’s the way the profession is going to the devil: here, Sir, is the ‘manager’—with a sneer—‘one of the d——dest humbugs that ever trod the stage, must have his name in large letters, of course; and the and Laertes, Mr. Vandenhoff; he’s a favorite of the Grand Mogul, as we call old Sandford, and so he gets all the fat; and d’ye know why he’s shoved down the people’s throats? Because he’s so d——d bad the old man shows to advantage alongside of him. Did you ever see him?’
‘I shook my head.
‘‘Why, Sir, he’s a tall, stooping, lantern-jawed, asthmatic-voiced, spindle-shanked fellow.’ Here he put his foot on the rail of my chair, and slightly scratched the calf of his leg. ‘Hair the color of a cock-canary,’ thrusting his fingers through his own coal-black ringlets; ‘with light blue eyes, Sir, trimmed with pink gymp. He hasn’t been long caught; just from some nunnery in Liverpool, or somewhere, where he was brought up as a Catholic priest; and here he comes, with his Latin and Lancashire dialect, to lick the manager’s great toe, and be hanged to him, and gets all the business; while men of talent, and nerve, and personal appearance,’ shifting his hands from his coat-pockets to those of his tights, ‘who have drudged in the profession for years, are kept in the back-ground; ’tis enough to make a fellow swear!’
‘‘You, then, Sir, are an actor?’ said I, calmly.