A peg-top, a Parmesan cheese,
Some rose-colored sarcenet, for linings,
A stew-pan, and Stevenson’s Glees;
A song ending ‘Hey-noni-noni,’
A chair with a cover of chintz,
A mummy dug up by Belzoni,
A skein of white worsted from Flint’s.’
Half the things that are sent for, they might buy at their own doors. Again and again we have known them put in commission and procure from an oppressed relative the identical productions of a manufactory within a mile of them. A singular virtue seems to abide in all that comes from the sunny side of Broadway.
‘You perhaps may not know what an Opportunity is. In love affairs you have undoubtedly experienced that it is every thing; but in rural affairs it is more. It is the common-carrier of a village. So soon as an inhabitant has expressed his intention of going to town, he becomes an Opportunity, and like a Chinese, liable to pains and penalties for leaving his native place. From every quarter pour in letters, bundles, and packages, which are to be carried with care and delivered with despatch. No thanks for his trouble, if they should reach their destination, and a general liability for the uncertain value of their contents if they should chance to be lost. So that an Opportunity’s advent in town ought to be announced in this way: ‘Arrived, Hiram Doolittle, from Connecticut, with m’dze to Legion and Company.’ The Opportunity not only transports, but acts as General Agent. Commissions are given him for a return freight. Hats, coats, dresses, are much wanted, which he is expected to select with taste, and to purchase cheap. Even the labyrinth of houses does not protect him from the Argus eyes of his consignees. They seek him out and insist upon his turning himself into a United States’ mail and a Harnden’s express. It is not a week since we heard a consignee’s friend’s friend request an Opportunity to carry home a loaf of sugar to his country correspondent.
‘Perhaps, Friend Knick., we are wounding your feelings all this time, tender by reason of many cousins and commissions; but we can assure you that we have an infinite respect for all relationship, and are rather blessed than bored by the requisitions of our own rural branches. We trust, however, that your rustic kith and kin do not come upon your house in the spring, in shoals like the shad. Unhappy editor, if it be so; for until the day predicted by Alphonse Karr, when connexions shall be cooked and côtelettes d’oncle à la Béchamel and têtes de cousin en tortue shall smoke lovingly upon the table, there is nothing for you but to submit to your Fates, or to give up your house-keeping. But with country cozens, those provincials who are not bone of your bone, and who nevertheless at every visit to town call upon you with an eager look and covetous smile, as if to say, ‘Ask us to dinner, we once invited you to tea,’ there is but one method to pursue; the cut—the firm, unwavering, direct cut. Do not pretend not to see them, or to look fixedly in another direction, but give them the vacant, absent stare, as if you saw around them, and through them, and the image before you excited neither attention nor recollection. There are no terms to be kept with them. Their Shibboleth is not yours.