'I. If your entertainer hand you his box, help yourself immediately to snuff with the fore-finger and thumb of the left hand; close the box at once and return it him with a demonstration of thankfulness for the compliment he has paid you. There is no need, if you should not be in the practice of regaling yourself in this way, to taste the snuff; you need raise the pinch only once to your olfactories, and may then let it fall. Neither affect the mastery of the box, by offering it to any one else; or by passing it round the table without an intimation from your host. Never breathe over it; nor, while you aspire to the character of a gentleman, SMELL from it and say, that 'you wish you could indulge yourself in this way.'
'II. Instruct your servants, that at all times before the course of Game be served upon your dinner-table, every dish of Vegetables be removed from the apartment. There are among us, grave men and of honest extraction who are yet capable of eating cooked vegetables even with Game; and who, with sallad at hand, and a woodcock before them extended upon his proper toast, would yet, (if permitted to practice such an enormity,) ask the servant for a potatoe without a sense either of humiliation or of remorse!!
'III. Abjure all dinner-communion whatever with the host, who, for the second time, places you at his table upon a cushionless chair; the bottom of which is formed of those hexagons of misery made out of split rattan, and known in New-York by the appropriate title of Cain-bottoms, doubtless in honor of the first murderer of man: the most charitable construction that can be placed upon such conduct being, that your entertainer compasses your death during the ensuing winter:
'You're there in double trust:
First as his Friend; his Entertainer, oft;
Strong both against the deed. And he, your Host;
Who should against the sharp Wind close the door,
Not bare the knife himself!'
'IV. Never again send a card of invitation to the young person—gentleman we could never call him—however great 'his expectations' may be, who at your ball or evening party where ladies are your guests, has had the insolent temerity of lighting his cigar before leaving the house.
'V. Until you thoroughly understand, and can gracefully accomplish in perfect time, the varied steps of the Waltz, never venture upon the experiment, even of a single tour, with one of those precious beings, whose feet are formed to touch the earth only par courtoisie; for—shall I tell you?—the very hyena might have uttered cries of real grief, during more than one morning last winter, over the bruised and discolored spots—traces of the last night's movement—upon a small, plump, eloquent foot, where the instep fades with a quick descent into the narrow and imperceptible plain, and the heel is lost at the moment an upright posture is assumed: and over which nature, until then, had gazed, entranced by the dimpling and ever-varying beauty of her Work!
'Practise yourself until perfect with some female professional Teacher, who can describe to you the effects of your gaucherie, and instruct you how to remedy it; or if, as is the case with many a worthy young man well received in society, you be come of a numerous, clumsy family, go it often with some of your strong-armed maiden aunts, or good-natured sisters, who can honestly and vigorously kick you in return, and break you in by degrees; and teach you feelingly what you are; and what pain you may impose, and absolute lameness you may inflict, upon that irradiation of light and joy, which, (as no language can express the pleasure that she gives,) we call by the pain she sometimes causes; and, in our tears, have named her Wo-man!
'VI. Do not entertain the thought, that as a young gentleman 'of large expectations;' or from your being one of those 'admirable waltzers;' or one of that class of favored persons whom for whatever cause, the ladies rank immediately next the music when they tell the père de famille, or the future manager, 'We must immediately engage So-and-so's band, and here is a list of the indispensable beaux without whom our party will be a failure'——do not, although your name be first upon that list, imagine you have nothing more to do, than go to the ball; enjoy yourself as much as you can; leave a card during one of the three following days; give a passing recognition in the street to the lady of the house; and then cut the family like a watering-place acquaintance until they give a ball again, or new-year's day come round to prove you ready for another night of pleasure. Leave such a course to the half-bred vulgarian. It is the part of the true gentleman on the contrary, after observing the other forms of etiquette toward a family whose hospitality he has chosen to accept, to take opportunities occasionally at the houses of their mutual acquaintance to renew his cheerful compliments to the lady, as he meets her undergoing the routine—alas! how often the laborious, the devoted, the unsatisfactory routine—of attending night after night upon those in whom her maternal wishes are centered and at stake! Do not believe, (if you require an incentive,) that this will be lost to you. It is among those amenities of life in which pleasure increases as the heart dispenses it. Your bosom's lord shall 'sit more lightly on his throne' for this employment of his gracious faculties; and—for there are many attentions that the sex love to see exercised toward each other—Eyes shall follow you approvingly, that may contain the untold treasure of your future hope.'
Bankrupt Stories. Edited by Harry Franco. 'The Haunted Merchant.' In one volume, pp. 381. New-York: John Allen, 139 Nassau-street.