"Oh," said he, "that's Trimalchio's wife. Her name is Fortunata. She has money to burn now, but a little while ago what do you suppose she was? Your honor will excuse me for saying so, but really in those days you wouldn't have taken a piece of bread from her hand. And now, without any why or wherefore, she's at the top notch and is all the world to Trimalchio—in fact, if she should say it was night at noonday, he'd believe her. As for Trimalchio himself, he's so rich that he doesn't know how much money he's got; but this jade has an eye to everything, even the things that you wouldn't think about yourself. She doesn't drink, she's as straight as a string—in fact, a really smart woman; but she has an awfully sharp tongue, a regular magpie on a perch. If she likes any one, she likes him way down to the ground, and if she doesn't like him, she just hates him! Trimalchio's estates are so large that it would tire a bird to fly over them, and he has heaps on heaps of cash. Take his silver plate, for instance. Why, there's more of it in his janitor's office than most persons have in their entire outfit; and his slaves—well, sir, they're so numerous that I don't think a tenth part of them would recognize their own master. In fact, when it comes to money, he can buy up any of these chumps here ten times over; and there's no reason for his paying out money for anything at all, because he produces everything on his own place—wool and cedar wood and pepper—why, if you were to ask for hens' milk, you'd get it. To give you an instance: He found that he wasn't getting very good wool, so he bought some rams at Tarentum and changed the breed of his sheep. Again, because he wanted to have Athenian honey right here on his estate, he imported bees from Athens, and incidentally these improved the breed of the native bees also. Only a few days ago he wrote and ordered mushroom-seed to be sent him from India. He hasn't a single mule on his place that wasn't sired by a wild ass. Just see how many cushions he has here. Every single one of them has either purple or scarlet stuffing. That's what I call being rich. But you're not to suppose that his associates here are to be sneezed at, for they've got plenty of rocks too. Just look at that man who has the last place at the table. Even he has to-day his little eight hundred thousand, and yet he started out with nothing. It wasn't very long ago that he was a porter carrying wood on his back through the street. But, as the saying goes, he found a fairy wishing-cup. I never grudge a man his good luck. It only means that he knows how to look out for himself; and this chap over here not long ago put up his shanty for sale with this sort of an advertisement:
"'Gaius Pompeius Diogenes will let this lodging from July first, having just bought a large house for himself.'
"Now, take the case of that other man over there who has the freedman's place at the table. How well off do you suppose he is? I don't know anything against him, but he's seen the time when he had his little million; only, somehow or other, he went wrong. To-day I don't imagine he has a hair on his head that isn't mortgaged, and it isn't his own fault either, for there's no better man in the world; but it's the fault of his confounded freedmen who made way with everything that he had. You know the saying, 'Too many cooks spoil the broth,' and the other saying that 'He who loses money loses friends.' And what a fine profession he had, too, just as you see him now! He was an undertaker. He used to dine like a king on wild boar with pastry and birds, and he had cooks and bakers by the score. They used to spill more wine under his table than most men have in their wine-cellars. In fact, he was a fairy vision rather than a man. When his affairs got into Queer Street and he was afraid his creditors would think that things were in a bad way, he wanted to raise some money on his goods and chattels; so he advertised an auction of them in this fashion: 'Julius Proculus will hold an auction for the sale of his superfluous property.'"
After this course, Trimalchio left the room for a few minutes, so that, feeling a certain freedom in the absence of our master, we began to draw each other into conversation. Dama, first of all, calling for a goblet, remarked:
"A day is nothing. Night comes before you can turn around. That's why I think there's nothing better than to go from your bed straight to the dining-room. It's a cold climate we have here. Even a bath scarcely warms me up. In fact, a hot drink is my wardrobe. I've had several stiff drinks already, so that I'm loaded for bear; for the wine has gone to my head."
At this point Seleucus interrupted him, remarking:
"Well, for my part, I don't take a bath every day. The cold water nips you so that when you bathe every day your courage all oozes out of you. But after I've swigged a toby of booze, I tell the cold to go to the devil. But I couldn't take a bath to-day, anyhow, for I was to a funeral. Chrysanthus, a fine man and such a good fellow, kicked the bucket. I saw him only the other day—in fact, I can hear him talking to me now. Dear me! we go around like blown-up bladders. We're of less consequence than even the flies, for flies have some spirit in them, while we are nothing but mere bubbles. But as to Chrysanthus, what if he wasn't a total abstainer? Anyhow, for five days before he died, he never threw a drink in his face nor ate a crumb of bread. Well, well, he's joined the majority. It was the doctors that really killed him, or perhaps just his bad luck; for a doctor is nothing after all but a sort of consolation to your mind. He was laid out in great style on his best bed, with his best bedclothes on, and he had a splendid wake, though his wife wasn't sincere in her mourning for him. But I say, what if he didn't treat her very well? A woman, so far as she is a woman, is a regular bird of prey. It isn't worth while to do a favor for a woman, because it's just as if you'd chucked it down a well. But love in time becomes a regular ball-and-chain on a man."
He was getting to be rather boresome when Phileros chimed in:
"Oh, let's think of the living. Your friend has got whatever was his due. He lived an honorable life and he died an honorable death. What has he to complain of? From having nothing, he made a fortune, for he was always ready to pull a piece of money out of a muck-heap with his teeth; and so he grew as rich as a honey-comb. By Jove! I believe the fellow left a cool hundred thousand, and he had it all in cash. I'm giving you this straight, for I have a rough tongue. He was a man of unlimited cheek, a tonguey fellow, and he always had a chip on his shoulder. His brother was a good sort of chap, a friend to a friend, a man with an open hand, a generous table. At the start he had a hard row to hoe, but his first vintage set him on his legs again, for he sold his wine at his own price. But what especially kept his head above water was this, that he got hold of a legacy, and waltzed into a good deal more of it than had been really left him. But this friend of yours, because he had quarreled with his brother, left his fortune to some outsider. I tell you a man has to go mighty far to get away from his relatives! Unfortunately he had slaves who blabbed all his secrets and harmed him. A man makes a mistake who trusts others too readily, especially if he's a business man. Nevertheless, while he lived, he enjoyed what he had."
After Phileros had finished, Ganymedes started in: