"I have not confessed everything!"
This formidable judge, this deputy of the Sovereign Arbiter, whose visage inspired me with so much fear, became the tenderest of shepherds; he took me in his arms and burst into tears:
"Come, my dear child," said he, "courage!"
I shall never experience such another moment in my life. Had the weight of mountains been lifted from me, I should not have been more relieved: I sobbed with happiness. I venture to say that it was from that day forward that I became an upright man; I felt that I should never outlive a remorse: how great must be the remorse for a crime, when I could suffer so terribly for concealing the little sins of a child! But also how divine is the religion which can thus take hold of our best instincts! What precepts of morality can ever take the place of these Christian institutions?
The first admission made, the rest cost me nothing. My suppressed childish offenses, which would have made the world smile, were weighed in the balance of religion. The superior was very much perplexed; he would have liked to postpone my Communion; but I was about to leave Dol College, soon to enter the Navy. With great perspicacity, he discerned the nature of my proclivities from the very character of my juvenile faults, insignificant though they were; he was the first man to fathom the secret of the possibilities of my life. He divined my future passions; he did not conceal from me what he thought he saw good in me, but he also predicted the evils to come.
"After all," he added, "though time is short for your repentance, you are cleansed of your sins by your courageous, if tardy, confession."
Raising his hand, he pronounced the Absolution. On this second occasion, the fulminating hand showered upon my head only the heavenly dew; I bent my brow to receive it; my feelings partook of the joy of the angels. I rose and threw myself upon the bosom of my mother, who was awaiting me at the foot of the altar. I no longer appeared the same being to my masters and school-fellows; I walked with a light step my head held high, a radiant air, in all the triumph of repentance.
On the next day, which was Holy Thursday, I was admitted to the sublime and touching ceremony which I have vainly endeavored to describe in the Génie du Christianisme.[119] I might here have felt again my usual little humiliations: my nosegay and my clothes were less fine than those of my companions; but that day everything was of God and for God. I know exactly what Faith means: the Real Presence of the Victim in the Blessed Sacrament of the altar was as evident to me as the presence of my mother by my side. When the Host was laid upon my lips, I felt as though a light had been kindled within me. I trembled with veneration, and the only material thing that occupied my thoughts was the dread of profaning the sacramental bread.
Le pain que je vous propose
Sert aux anges d'aliment,
Dieu lui-même le compose
De la fleur de son froment[120].—RACINE.
I conceived besides the courage of the martyrs; at that moment I could have confessed Christ on the rack or in the midst of the lions.