A Golfing Idyll; Or, The Skipper's Round with the Deil On the Links of St. Andrews

by Violet Flint

Now Skipper frien', come tell me true
What garred ye mount the ribbon blue?
Gude sake! to think the like o' you
Should e'er hae joined the Templar crew!
How you accomplished your conversion
It bangs poor me past comprehension.
No six months gane, a drucken deevil,
You led the ball in waste and revel;
Were staggerin' on destruction's brink,
Selling your very duds for drink.
Now, there you sit, you grim auld sinner,
And tell's the smell o't mak's you scunner,
As mim as howdie at a christening,
Or tinker to a sermon listening;
Weel washed, weel clad, your blue beard shaved
Like Dr Byd's, and weel behaved
As toun-kirk elder 'fore the session—
Speak out, auld man, and mak' confession.
The speaker was ane Jock Pitbladdie,
A golfer good, and decent caddie,
Who, drunk or sober, in 's vocation
Had aye the grace o' moderation.
A souter to his trade, he'd left the toun
Sax months before to work in Troon,
To carry clubs or mend auld shoon,
At ilka t' ade a handy loon.
Skipper and Jock were cronies thrang,
Had kent and liked each other lang;
Mony a gill they'd drunk thegither,
And friendly treated ane anither.
Jockie was like a bed of sand,
The more he drank, the more he'd stand;
But Skipper, wud, and wilder grew,
And never stopped till roarin' fou.
What wonder, then, at Jock's surprise
To find his frien' in sic-like guise,
Or Jock's ill-mannered exclamation
And rough demand for explanation.
The Skipper lookit sair offended,
And muttering growled, his hand extended.—
Queer manners you hae brocht frae Troon;
Come here, you jawing gowk, sit doon.
Instead of coorse and ill reflections
On my past life, and ways, and actions,
Your greetin' might hae been more ceevil,
You ill-condeetioned gabbin' deevil.
Hoot, Skipper, nae offence was meant,
For you and I are weel acquaint.
Now dicht your mou', and tell me true
How cam' ye by that bit o' blue?
The Skipper gazed as wise and solemn
As if he felt his hand on helm
His cutter o'er the green waves guiding,
Close hauled, through kittle channel gliding.
Oh, Jock! I doot I'm rash to tell ye
What strange and awfu' things befell me,
Unless like me you'd warning tak',
Ere sorrow lay you on your back.
Sae, to avert sic dismal fate,
My woful tale I'll now relate.—
He sighed and spat, then sighed again,
And thus his simple tale began:
'Twas on a summer's afternoon,
Just after you had gane to Troon,
I foregather'd wi' ane Tammas Trail,
Auld mate o' mine who bides in Crail.
A man o' means, wi' nets and boat,
A fisher keen, and much afloat;
A very decent chappie Tam,
Who, like me, dearly lo'ed his dram.
He kent my weakness, nocht would serve him,
But I maun tak' my supper wi' him.
The supper was baith het and good—
No that I'm nice about my food;
We'd rizzared haddies, if you please,
Tripe and ingans, toasted cheese,
And whiskey grand frae Cameron Brig,
Better was never 'stilled by Haig.
And, oh! a jolly time we had,
For my pairt I was skirlin' mad,
And Tammie, he was in his glory,
Just ripplin' o'er wi' joke and story.
But a' things good maun hae an end,
Baith joys and pains o' human kind,
And Time, the thief, wi' spitefu' stroke,
Snecket our fun 'fore ten o'clock—
That nicht—the thocht o't gars me grue,
Ahint the joy there cam' sic rue.
Now, Jocky, I must here explain
I wasna drunk, just fou ye ken;
Just fresh and free and swaggerin' canty,
And bauld as Wallace wight and vaunty.
My hairt was licht, my feet were dancin'
Like struttin' cock, or stallion prancin'.
Bethought me, as I steered alang,
I'll get my clubs, to the Links I'll gang.
Should a' the folk to roost hae gane,
I car'd na if I played alane.
The nicht was fine, the moon was shinin',
The time between the mirk and gloamin';
As far as I could view the green,
No living soul could there be seen.

Nigh the brig I drove a bonny shot,
My second was the marrow o't,
The third gaed in—I holed in three,
As proud as Punch, I skirled wi' glee;
And swaggerin' fou, and fit and fettle,
Was wild to back my skill and mettle;
And, madlike, shouted out aloud,
You might hae heard me doon the road,
'Od! I'd play the very Deil himsel',
Auld Nickey Ben, red wud frae H—l.'
I heard a laugh! Was I mistaen?
I thocht I was my lief alane,
But turnin', near me stood a man,
A strappin' chiel, wi' clubs in han',—
Lean-shankit, extra tall and spare,
Wi' goatee beard and jet-black hair.
'Good evening, Skipper,' says he sprightly,
Liftin' his cap to me politely.
'You want a match, I'll gladly play you
For a hundred pounds, what say you?'
'You do me proud,' says I, astounded,
My wits had left me quite confounded.
'Man, a hundred pounds, I hae nae got,
I'm but a Caddie, poor my lot;
To play you I am proud and willin',
But I ne'er gang beyond a shillin'.'
'Oh, d—m your shilling!' says he so fine,
'Why, don't you see, your sure to win—
You are a strong, well-known professional,
And play a game that's quite sensational;
While my performance is but poor,
That of a first-class amateur.
But player good, I stand confessed,
Who plays 'gainst me must play his best.
But if you're shy, why odds I'll give you,
A stroke a hole, will that not tempt you?
And should I have the luck to win
(He said this with a leering grin),
Why what so simple, you engage
To serve me faithful without wage,
And as my Caddie with me stay
Until your little debt you pay.
Service with me will never tire you,
Besides I like you and admire you.'
Softly he spoke, while sweetly smilin'
Like lover simple lass beguilin';
Then from his pooch a purse he pulled,
A purse with golden guineas filled;
The meshes thro' I saw them bright
Glitterin' in the gloamin' light.
'Look, Skipper see these yellow boys,
The source and fount of human joys;
With them you grasp the dear delights
Of festive days and glorious nights.'
Dazed, dazzled, fou, and half-demented,
Oh, Jocky! I was sairly tempted.
No wonder that I soon consented,
And muckle less that I repented.
But to my tale—'All right,' says I,
'A bargain be it, I comply;
A stroke a hole—I tak' your offer,
Altho' you treat me like a duffer.'
For troth I felt no little nettled
To find my good game so belittled.
But, Skipper, you have yet to tell
What he was like, this bloomin' swell.
I said he was a strappin' chiel,
Six feet and mair frae head to heel;
On's head he wore a Hieland bannet,
A blackcock's feather stickin' in it.
On either side his lugs I noted
Were large and high and sharply nookit;
A nose like mine, and fine black een,
A big moustache and pointed chin;
In troth a very handsome felley,
Though black-a-vized and somewhat yelley,
Like they foreign chaps that gang wi' puggies,
And play on pipes and hurdy-gurdies.
His dress was black, good velveteen,
His stockin's red and cravit green,
And on his feet were yellow boots,—
I little dreamed they covered cloots!
I kent na wha I was to play wi',
The truth it never dawned upon me;
I thocht he was some Glasgow billy,
Or chap frae Sooth, Golf-mad and silly,
Wi' little wit and siller plenty,
The country's rife wi' sic like gentry.
'And what's your honour's name,' quoth I?
I felt no whit abashed or shy—
'My name is Dr Nicholas Ben Clootie,
Hades my home, a place of radiant beauty;
A region warm, perhaps a trifle sooty,
Still an alluring and delicious place is Hades,
Frequented much by lords and ladies.
So charming and so pleasant is it
That multitudes to Paradise prefer it.'
'Hades, ne'er heard o't, is't in the Hielands?'
'No, Skipper friend, 'tis in the Netherlands.'
'But come, our game, I'm eager to begin;
Strike off,' said I, 'I long those yellow boys to win.
Tak' you the honour noo, for ne'er again
You'll hae the chance, or I'm sair mistaen.'
He grinned, and said, 'You hold me very cheap;
Believe me, I intend those yellow boys to keep.'
He drove a rattlin' shot from off the tee;
I followed with as good, as far as he.
Our next we dropped upon the green.
Twa bonny strokes as e'er were seen.
Stane dead I lay, he ten feet aff,
He missed his putt—wi' careless laugh,
'First blood,' cried I, 'the hole is mine.'
'Yes,' quo' he, 'the Devil's luck is thine.'
So cocky was I with this fine beginnin',
I offered straight to play him even.
'No, no,' he said, 'to that I can't agree,
You'll need your odds before you've done wi' me.'
He looked and said this with a wicked leer,
I felt my flesh to creep with sudden fear.
Such confidence and pluck, I could not understand,
And funkit something strange, uncanny, underhand.
But spite of funk and fancy, all the same
I played weel up a rattlin' game;
Holes three and four they fell to me,
The taen at four, the tither at three.
His Highness meanwhile skipped alang,
Whiles he whistled and whiles he sang;
But whenever I turned, his leerin' e'e
Was glarin', glowerin', lookin' at me!

At 'Hole Across,' the bunker of H—l,
To my surprise he kent it well;
He girned and cackled and looked excited
As if wi' secret thoughts delighted.
I drove weel o'er, wi' grand precision,
And lay serene on sod Elysian.
Clootie on purpose missed his ba',
And landed slap intil its maw.
Then, Jock, a sicht I saw, so strange and awfie,
Unseen, unheard o', and unlawfie!
Loud laughter rose from H—l within,
Wild shouts and cries o' welcomin';
While over the edge, peepin' and peerin'
Through the long grass, and disappearin',
Were seen strange forms, like horned apes,
And other brutes wi' fearsome shapes,
Goblins grinning wi' blazing een,
Bogles or ghaists, or a cross between.
But strange, when we the bunker neared,
They'd vanished all and disappeared.
And nocht remained but an infernal smell
Of brimstone reek, true stink o' H—l.
Clootie gaed smilin' in, rejoiced to be
At hame, his bonny bairns to see;
His ball he found, both safe and playable.
'Play quick,' cried I, 'this smell is d—able.'
'Pause, Skipper, 'tis my favourite scent,' says he,
'Bouquet d'Enfer, a perfume sweet to me.
You lack good taste, you drunken sot,
To me this is a charming spot;
But play I must,' and, as he spoke,
He drove forthwith a splendid stroke;
But of little good it proved to be,
For again I took the hole in three.
'Four up,' I said, 'my gallant foe;
If this goes on you'll come to woe.'
'All right,' says he, 'my chance will come,
I'll show you play when we turn home.
To see your game was such a treat,
Great was my luck with you to meet;
You are indeed a beauty without paint,
The picture of a drouthy saint.'
And thus he sneered and scoffed and chaffed,
While at my speech he mocked and laughed;
From fearing I began to hate him,
And vow'd I'd do my best to beat him.
But man is frail, and human vows
Aye come to nocht, when they oppose
The powers that rule for good or evil,
And my opponent was the Deevil.
Blind, stupid, and wi' drink demented,
I couldna see nor comprehend it;
But soon, alas! I learned the truth,
Wi' mental pain and muckle ruth.
The moon still shed its blessed light
And calm and lovely was the night.
Oh, Daavid! had you but been there,
Wi' your leemonade and your ginger-beer,
You might have saved me from despair,
And a' the horrors that befell me,
Which, Jockie, I am now to tell ye.
My game, I told you had been good,
Nine holes to play, eight up I stood.
Sick o' the game, and sicker far o' Clootie,
I'd ceased to care about the booty.
I thocht I'd bounce him wi' my swagger,
And get the better o' the beggar.
'Doctor,' says I, 'I've licked you into fits,
Throw up the sponge, play double or quits!'
'What!' shouted he, 'such cheek, you sot,
Dost think me daft, you silly Scot?
That wise old saw hast thou forgot,
"That he who suppers wi' the Deil,
Lang spoon maun hae to sup his kail!"'
Here, Jockie, I my temper lost,
I'd hae my say whate'er the cost.
'D—n you,' says I, 'you ca' yoursel' the Deil,
You are na blate my bonnie chiel.
The Deil's a saunt compared wi' you,
You yelley-livered, bandy-leggèd Jew;
Quack doctor, purse-proud swaggerin' Jack,
I'faith I'll lay you on your back.'
He listened, looked, and gravely smiled
To hear his Majesty reviled
By simple clay so easily beguiled.
Thoughtful he stood, and stroked his beard,
Then, Presto, vanished—disappeared!
Gone like a flash, I looked and wondered,
And as I gaped and gazed and pondered,
Beneath my feet the ground began to tremble,
With earthquake shock to rock and rumble;
And o'er the scene thick darkness crept,
Deep gloom prevailed, the soft wind slept,
Then lightning flared with vivid sheen,
Blinding and dazzling my bewildered een!
And thunder bellowed forth with awful roar,
Echoing from shore to sea, from sea to shore.
From Lucklaw to Drumcarrow, from Drumcarrow to Kinkell,
Roaring and rattling with resounding swell,
Peal followed peal, and flash on flash,
Hissing and rumbling with terrific crash;
The wind subdued burst forth anew,
And howling, whistling, wilder blew;
Deep groans and wailing filled the air,
Of souls in anguish and despair!
Loud shouts of 'fore,' and clash of cleeks,
And demon golfers' yells and shrieks,
Commingling with the mournful wail
Of sea-birds swept before the gale!

At last the thunder ceased and all was still,
Deep silence reigned o'er dale and hill;
Then forth a lurid radiance glowed,
Fan-like from earth to heaven it flowed,
Deep ruby red, the hue of blood,
And in the midst an awful presence stood—
Majestic, pale, towering in aspect grand,
Hell's chieftain, prince of the rebel band,
Who fell defying Heaven's command.
O'er lofty brow tossed his dishevelled hair,
A front deep lined with thought and care,
And eyes with shaggy eyebrows pent,
Which fierceness to their glances lent;
Those eyes which blazed with hate and sadness,
Strangers alike to hope, to love, and gladness.
With lips of scorn, whence insults leap,
And lies and calumnies and curses deep;
Scoffings, revilings, blasphemies malign
Against Omnipotence and laws divine!
With awe and terror struck, I trembling gazed,
Spell-bound, bewildered, and amazed
To think that I should hap to contemplate
The lineaments of H—l's great potentate!
With shuddering dread, I feared his eagle eye
Should wretch like me by cruel chance espy.
Alas, my fate! The hated glance it fell,
Nought could escape the blighting eye of H—l;
Staggering, I fell like riven oak
Struck to the earth by lightning stroke!
Jockie, my lad, I swooned away;
Of sense bereft, how long, I cannot say.
Hard by where old Daa drives his trade
O' ginger-beer and leemonade.
I felt the cool, soft morning air
To fan my cheek and raise my hair;
Conscious at last, I raised my eyes,
Conceive my horror and surprise,
To see friend Clootie stand before me,
Leering and grinning, bending o'er me!
My heart was well-nigh like to burst
With fear and hatred and disgust.
I cried, beseeched him to forgive me,
And begged him on my knees to leave me.
He laughed, and told me hold my jargon,
To stir my stumps, make good my bargain.
'The match you know,' he said, 'ain't ended,
And luck may turn, and mine be mended,
The remaining holes may fall to me,
Then Skipper dear, where will you be?
I've not had one, and eight you've taken,
You need one more to save your bacon—
One little hole, to save your soul!
I stand to lose name, fame, and purse,
Not that I care a tinker's curse;
But you, should fortune now forsake you,
Your freedom gone, my slave I make you.
Play up, and man-like save your skin,
Strike for your name and native green.'