“I just lived with the family like in the old days, only friendlier. Hessie could not do enough for me, and talked and went on with me just like she used to as a child. By and by this young woman’s fondness began to make me feel queer. I was very fond of her, too, but a bit afraid of her at the same time; she was so mortal good and innocent, and the worst of it was she believed me to be the same. Many’s the time I’ve been sorrowful for days together through thinking of my past life, and wishing it had been different. Supposing I’d kept on the straight those five years, I might perhaps have put by enough money to buy a little farm, and then have married Hessie; for the old man liked me and would, I’m pretty sure, have helped us with some stock. These thoughts used to worry me more and more; it was just terrible to think of the chance I’d lost. And then the girl got fonder and fonder of me, and used to look sad when I’d keep out of her way, as I often did for two or three days at a spell.
“No, I never once thought of trying, as you say, ‘to live down the past,’ and marry her. You see, I couldn’t. There were good reasons against it. I’ve not told you half about the life I led those five years. Drink alone was enough. I knew that sometimes when the thirst for lush took me, nothing on earth would keep me from drinking. Once I went to Lydenburg where I was not known, and stayed a week just because I felt I must go on the bend. I was drunk on the quiet for three days in a back room of the hotel, and then I stayed four days sober before returning, so as to let the signs work off. But there was worse than the drink...
“After I’d been on the farm about six months, young Jacob, the old woman’s nephew, turned up. He had been away down colony for nearly a year. Jacob had grown into a long, thin, slouching galoot with a yellow face and a live-long-day scowl. His squint made him seem to be always looking round the corner. He, it turned out, had asked Hessie to marry him just before I’d conic back, and she’d not said no, nor yet yes, to him; but just that she wanted to wait a bit, and that she’d see when lie returned from the colony. I soon saw that Jacob was hot spoons on Hessie, and dreadful jealous of me. For a while I enjoyed making him mad, but when I saw how bad he looked I got sorry for him, and tried to avoid the girl. Then she began to look miserable, and, I can’t tell you, what with one thing and another, I didn’t just know where I was.
“One day, just about a month before I expected the job to be finished, I was standing by myself working at pointing the foundation, when who should come round the corner but Hessie. She sat down on a stone close by. ‘Vellum,’ says she, ‘Jacob has again been asking me to marry him, and I’ve told him I won’t.’ ‘But,’ says I, ‘why don’t you marry him, Hessie? he’s got a good farm, and I’m sure he’s fond enough of you.’
“When I’d begun speaking I’d my face towards my work, and just when I stopped I turned to look at Hessie. She was leaning forward with her mouth half-open and her cheeks pale. For a while she didn’t speak. Then she gave a gulp and said, breathing hard: ‘Oh, Vellum, is it you who says that to me?’ I felt that sorry, I could have cut my throat. I knew now that I loved the girl as I’d never loved any one else, and here she was offering herself to me and I couldn’t take the gift. I cursed my own folly again only hotter, and what with one thought and another, I clean forgot for a few moments where I was, and that Hessie was there.
“When I looked round again Hessie was still staring at me, and then the thought came to tell her a lie which would hurt a bit at first, but do her good in the end. So I just said in a sort of jokey way: ‘Why, Hessie, if I weren’t a married man I’d think you were in love with me.’
“At that she gave a start and another gulp and said: ‘Are you truly a married man, Vellum?’ Well, thinks I, it’s no use turning back now, so I said: ‘Yes, Hessie; didn’t you know I’ve been married four years, and that my wife has gone to stay with her people at Potchefstrom?’ At this she just stood up, and walked away.
“Well, thinks I to myself, the sooner I’m out of this the better; but of course I couldn’t leave before my job was finished. I saw very little of Hessie now except at table. She went about very pale, and never once looked me in the eye, for which I was very thankful. Not many days after our talk, the old man told me she’d promised to marry Jacob, who, all the same, seemed to scowl worse than ever, and looked as mean as a rotten banana.
“As bad luck would have it, no sooner was my contract finished than the war with the English broke out. Then Lydenburg was in a state of siege, so I couldn’t get away. After a while a lot of Boers trecked on to the farm, and formed a ‘laager’ there. Then a commandant came from near Pretoria, and took charge. This happened to be a man who’d often enough seen me blind drunk in the streets between my spells of work. I’d done a job for him, too, and he’d humbugged me out of two pound ten. I felt sure he’d told my old man all about me, but beyond looking a bit strange for a day or two, it made no difference in him or in the old woman—they were just as kind as ever. But all the other Boers looked very sour at me, and would never answer when I’d speak to them.
“Jacob had a cousin who was a parson—and the dead spit of him—right down to the squint and the scowl. He was what they called a ‘dopper,’ (a South African Calvinist), which means in parsons one who sings very slowly, and speaks through his nose. This chap came one Sunday and preached to the Boers. His sermon was all about some folks called the Amalekites, and a chap called Agag, and that the Lord’s chosen people must hew to pieces all folks who weren’t chosen. He also told them they were to be careful of spies, and he talked a lot about wolves in sheep’s clothing. I was a long way off, but he ramped and shouted so loud, I could hear it all.