"Oh, sir," she replied, "when you preach I always get a good seat!"
"Haste" and "Leisure"
A clergyman in the north of Scotland, very homely in his address, chose for his text a passage in the Psalms, "I said in my haste all men are liars." "Ay," premised the minister by way of introduction, "ye said in your haste, David, did ye?—gin ye had been here, ye micht hae said it at your leisure, my man."
"Making Hay While the Sun Shines"
An anecdote is told of a certain Highland hotel-keeper, who was one day bickering with an Englishman in the lobby of the inn regarding the bill. The stranger said it was a gross imposition, and that he could live cheaper in the best hotel in London; to which the landlord with nonchalance replied, "Oh, nae doot, sir, nae doot; but do ye no' ken the reason?" "No, not a bit of it," said the stranger hastily. "Weel, then," replied the host, "as ye seem to be a sensible callant, I'll tell ye; there's 365 days in the Lonnun hotel-keeper's calendar, but we have only three months in ours! Do ye understand me noo, frien'? We maun mak' hay in the Hielans when the sun shines, for it's unco seldom he dis't!"
Speaking Figuratively
A preacher of the name of Ker, on being inducted into a church in Teviotdale, told the people the relation there was to be between him and them in the following words: "Sirs, I am come to be your shepherd, and you must be my sheep, and the Bible will be my tar bottle, for I will mark you with it"; and laying his hand on the clerk or precentor's head, he said: "Andrew, you shall be my dog." "The sorra bit of your dog will I be," said Andrew. "O, Andrew, you don't understand me; I speak mystically," said the preacher. "Yes, but you speak mischievously," said Andrew. [[9]]
A Canny Witness
During a trial in Scotland, a barrister was examining an old woman, and trying to persuade her to his view by some "leading questions." After several attempts to induce her memory to recur to a particular circumstance, the barrister angrily observed, "Surely you must remember this fact—surely you can call to mind such and such a circumstance." The witness answered, "I ha' tauld ye I can't tell; but if ye know so much mair about it than I do (pointing to the judge), do'e tell maister yerself."
A Mother's Confidence in Her Son