The late Mr. Andrew Balfour, one of the judges in the Commissary Court of Edinburgh, used to talk in a very pompous and inflated style of language. Having made an appointment with the late Honorable Henry Erskine, on some particular business, and failing to attend, he apologized for it, by telling the learned barrister that his brother, the Laird of Balbirnie, in passing from one of his enclosures to another, had fallen down from the stile and sprained his ankle. This trifling accident he related in language highly pedantic and bombastical. The witty advocate, with his usual vivacity, replied, "It was very fortunate for your brother, Andrew, that it was not from your style he fell, or he had broken his neck, instead of spraining his ankle!"
During the time the above-named gentleman presided in court, his sister, Miss Balfour, happened to be examined as a witness in a cause then before the court. Andrew began in his pompous way, by asking, "Woman, what is thy name? what is thy age? and where is thy usual place of residence?" To which interrogatories Miss Balfour only replied, by staring him broad in the face, when the questions were again repeated, with all the grimace and pedantry he was master of, which the lady, observing, said, "Dear me, Andrew, do ye no ken yer ain sister?" To which the judge answered, "Woman, when I sit in court I administer justice; I know no one, neither father or mother, sister or brother!"
Depression—Delight—Despair
Three boys at school, learning their catechism, the one asked the other how far he had got. To this he answered, "I'm at 'A State o' Sin and Misery.'" He then asked another what length he was, to which he replied, "I'm just at 'Effectual Calling.'" They were both anxious, of course, to learn how far he was himself, and having asked him, he answered, "Past Redemption."
An Earl's Pride and Parsimony
A late nobleman, in whose character vanity and parsimony were the most remarkable features, was, for a long time before he died, in the habit of retailing the produce of his dairy and his orchard to the children and poor people of the neighborhood. It is told, that one day observing a pretty little girl tripping through his grounds with a milk pipkin, he stooped to kiss her; after which he said, in a pompous tone, "Now, my dear, you may tell your grandchildren, and tell them in their turn to tell their grandchildren, that you had once the honor of receiving a kiss from the Right Hon—the Earl of ——." The girl looked up in his face, and, with a strange mixture of simplicity and archness, remarked, "But ye took the penny for the milk, though!"
Question and Answer
At a church in Scotland, where there was a popular call, two candidates offered to preach of the names of Adam and Low. The last preached in the morning, and took for his text, "Adam, where art thou?" He made a most excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the evening Mr. Adam preached, and took for his text, "Lo, here am I!" The impromptu and his sermon gained him the church.
Robbing "On Credit"