A Definition of Baptism
A Scotch clergyman, one day catechising his flock in the church, the beadle, or church officer, being somewhat ill-read in the catechism, thought it best to keep a modest place near the door, in the hope of escaping the inquisition. But the clergyman observed and called him forward. "John," said he, "what is baptism?" "Ou, sir," answered John, scratching his head, "ye ken, it's just saxpence to me, and fifteenpence to the precentor."
No End to His Wit
A gentleman in the west of Scotland, celebrated for his wit, was conversing with a lady, who, at last, overpowered by the brilliance and frequency of his bon mots, exclaimed, "Stop, sir; there is really no end to your wit." "God forbid, madam," replied the humorist, "that I should ever be at my wit's end."
Leaving the Lawyers a Margin
A man from the country applied lately to a respectable solicitor in this town for legal advice. After detailing the circumstances of the case, he was asked if he had stated the facts exactly as they occurred. "Ou, ay, sir," rejoined the applicant, "I thought it best to tell you the plain truth; ye can put the lees till't yoursel'."
A Lunatic's Advice to Money Lenders
The following curious conversation actually occurred in a garden attached to a lunatic asylum, near Dumfries. The interlocutors were the keeper, a very respectable man, and one of the most manageable of his patients:
"Tak' it easy, tak' it easy, Jamie; ye're no working against time, man; and when you come near the border, be sure and keep your feet aff the flowers."