Betsy Gaskins (Dimicrat), Wife of Jobe Gaskins (Republican) / Or, Uncle Tom's Cabin Up to Date

by W. I. Hood

We might have two or three killins in this county. Fust we could give a feast to all the rollin mill men and rail workers; then to all the coal miners; then to all the carpenters, and stone masons, and day laborers, and sich, and by not lettin any escape, one kind wouldent git onto what was bein done until we had them enclosed and the current turned on.

Ive been a talkin to Jobe about it, and he says that jist whatever the Republican party says he’ll agree to; but he declares he dont want to go to town on the day of the killin.

I dont know why he doesent want to go. It may be he is afraid he will git inside, or it may be he doesent want to look upon the faces of those dead poor people, whose toil has created all the wealth the rich people own who now wants them killed.

Now, Mistur Editure, if you will talk this scheme up among the rich people of the nation, and especially of Ohio, I think you can git them to see that it would be much cheaper than their payin each year to keep a standin army, and it would be more kind to the laborin people than to shoot them through the head when they are hungry, or make them cry with pain by cripplin them all up with big, heavy Winchester bullets.

Besides, think of the moanin and grief and heartaches and tears it would save the wives and children if they are killed at the same time their husbands and fathers are.

Shootin down men folks allers makes someone cry, and I hate to hear it even if it is poor women and little poor children.

And shootin seems to be sich a slow way of gittin rid of them.

Why, down in New York they use electricity to kill murderers with. They wouldent think of standin off and shootin even murderers down there. They use electricity because it is quicker and surer death, and more refined, and I know that the people of Ohio who labor for a livin haint any worse or deservin of more cruel treatment than murderers are in New York.

Hopin the rich will be merciful to the poor as long as they let them live on their land and in their country, I am yours for electricity and agin the militia.