“Amelia is passable only, in face,
But, oh! she’s a worthy girl;
Superior morals like hers would grace
The home of a belted Earl.”
Morality, heavenly link!
To you I’ll eternally drink:
I’m awfully fond of that heavenly bond,
Morality, heavenly link!
“Now Nelly’s the prettier, p’raps, of my gals,
But, oh! she’s a wayward chit;
She dresses herself in her showy fal-lals,
And doesn’t read Tupper a bit!”
O Tupper, philosopher true,
How do you happen to do?
A publisher looks with respect on your books,
For they do sell, philosopher true!
The Bart. (I’ll be hanged if I drink him again,
Or care if he’s ill or well),
He sneered at the goodness of Milly the Plain,
And cottoned to Volatile Nell!
O Volatile Nelly de P.!
Be hanged if I’ll empty to thee:
I like worthy maids, not mere frivolous jades,
Volatile Nelly de P.!
They bolted, the Bart. and his frivolous dear,
And Milly was left to pout;
For years they’ve got on very well, as I hear,
But soon he will rue it, no doubt.
O excellent Milly de Plow,
I really can’t drink to you now;
My head isn’t strong, and the song has been long,
Excellent Milly de Plow!
THE MODEST COUPLE
When man and maiden meet, I like to see a drooping eye,
I always droop my own—I am the shyest of the shy.
I’m also fond of bashfulness, and sitting down on thorns,
For modesty’s a quality that womankind adorns.
Whenever I am introduced to any pretty maid,
My knees they knock together, just as if I were afraid;
I flutter, and I stammer, and I turn a pleasing red,
For to laugh, and flirt, and ogle I consider most ill-bred.
But still in all these matters, as in other things below,
There is a proper medium, as I’m about to show.
I do not recommend a newly-married pair to try
To carry on as Peter carried on with Sarah Bligh.
Betrothed they were when very young—before they’d learnt to speak
(For Sarah was but six days old, and Peter was a week);
Though little more than babies at those early ages, yet
They bashfully would faint when they occasionally met.
They blushed, and flushed, and fainted, till they reached the age of nine,
When Peter’s good papa (he was a Baron of the Rhine)
Determined to endeavour some sound argument to find
To bring these shy young people to a proper frame of mind.