Ch. What do you mean by “it depends?” You’re a member of the Church of England, I trust? Then don’t you know that in saying “it depends” you are flying in the face of the marriage service? Don’t go and throw cold water on the married state, Parker. I know what you’re going to say—it’s expensive. So it is, at first, very expensive, but with economy you soon retrench that. By a beautiful provision of Nature, what’s enough for one is enough for two. This phenomenon points directly to the married state as our natural state.
Par. Oh, for that matter, sir, a tigress would get on with you. You’re so liberal, so gentle, so—there’s only one word for it—dove-like.
Ch. What, you’ve remarked that, eh? Ha! ha! But dove-like as I am, Parker, in some respects, yet (getting his arm round her) in other respects—(aside), deuced pretty girl!—in other respects I am a man, Parker, of a strangely impetuous and headstrong nature. I don’t beat about the bush; I come quickly to the point. Shall I tell you a secret? There’s something about you, I don’t know what it is, that—in other words, you are the tree upon which—no, no, damn it, Cheviot—not to-day, not to-day.
Par. What a way you have with you, sir!
Ch. What, you’ve noticed that, have you? Ha! ha! yes, I have a way, no doubt; it’s been remarked before. Whenever I see a pretty girl (and you are a very pretty girl) I can’t help putting my arm like that (putting it round her waist.) Now, pleasant as this sort of thing is, and you find it pleasant, don’t you? (Parker nods.) Yes, you find it pleasant—pleasant as it is, it is decidedly wrong.
Par. It is decidedly wrong in a married man.
Ch. It is decidedly wrong in a married man. In a married man it’s abominable, and I shall be a married man in half an hour. So, Parker, it will become necessary to conquer this tendency, to struggle with it, and subdue it—in half an hour (getting more affectionate). Not that there’s any real harm in putting your arm round a girl’s waist. Highly respectable people do it, when they waltz.
Par. Yes, sir, but then a band’s playing.
Ch. True, and when a band’s playing it don’t matter, but when a band is not playing, why it’s dangerous, you see. You begin with this, and you go on from one thing to another, getting more and more affectionate, until you reach this stage (kissing her). Not that there’s any real harm in kissing, either; for you see fathers and mothers, who ought to set a good example, kissing their children every day.
Par. Lor, sir, kissing’s nothing; everybody does that.