All said and done,
It’s little I
Against a throng.
I’m only one,
And possibly
I may be wrong!
PUT A PENNY IN THE SLOT
If my action’s stiff and crude,
Do not laugh, because it’s rude.
If my gestures promise larks,
Do not make unkind remarks.
Clockwork figures may be found
Everywhere and all around.
Ten to one, if I but knew,
You are clockwork figures too.
And the motto of the lot,
“Put a penny in the slot!”
Usurer, for money lent,
Making out his cent per cent—
Widow plump or maiden rare,
Deaf and dumb to suitor’s prayer—
Tax collectors, whom in vain
You implore to “call again”—
Cautious voter, whom you find
Slow in making up his mind—
If you’d move them on the spot,
Put a penny in the slot!
Bland reporters in the courts,
Who suppress police reports—
Sheriff’s yeoman, pen in fist,
Making out a jury list—
Stern policemen, tall and spare,
Acting all “upon the square”—
(Which in words that plainer fall,
Means that you can square them all)—
If you want to move the lot,
Put a penny in the slot!
GOOD LITTLE GIRLS
Although of native maids the cream,
We’re brought up on the English scheme—
The best of all
For great and small
Who modesty adore.
For English girls are good as gold,
Extremely modest (so we’re told),
Demurely coy—divinely cold—
And we are that—and more.
To please papa, who argues thus—
All girls should mould themselves on us,
Because we are,
By furlongs far,
The best of all the bunch;
We show ourselves to loud applause
From ten to four without a pause—
Which is an awkward time because
It cuts into our lunch.
Oh, maids of high and low degree,
Whose social code is rather free,
Please look at us and you will see
What good young ladies ought to be!
And as we stand, like clockwork toys,
A lecturer papa employs
To puff and praise
Our modest ways
And guileless character—
Our well-known blush—our downcast eyes—
Our famous look of mild surprise
(Which competition still defies)—
Our celebrated “Sir!!!”
Then all the crowd take down our looks
In pocket memorandum books.
To diagnose,
Our modest pose
The kodaks do their best:
If evidence you would possess
Of what is maiden bashfulness,
You only need a button press—
And we do all the rest.