The unwelcome man

by Waldo David Frank

What confronted the boy most immediately was, of course, the city. All the rest was new perhaps. But its newness was a growth, and that which had gone before had subliminally taught him what such growth must be. New York, however, as he now received it, was unheralded and unanticipated. Mornings, as he went downtown, its acerb qualities entered him most forcibly. This was due perhaps to the night’s influence upon himself in opening his spiritual pores, making him more sensitive, since more alien, to the city’s nature. But also, doubtless, the early drubbing itself awake from the miasma of its sleep calls to the surface in the morning the City’s essences.

Quincy’s heart misgave him in these first trials. He hung on a strap in the elevated train. The shaken condiment of sluggish bodies and drowned voices and falsetto-screaming newspapers was like a plaster for drawing out his strength. As they lurched on, the cadenced rise and fall of the train’s pace grew to be a hammer on his consciousness. The streets hurled by in a drab monotone whose single, ugly accent could be no other than that of a fierce indifference. The crowd congealed within itself, a maze of cluttered energies, having no mind. And as the mournful streets struck past, a tithe of the crowd leaked out, mute, sullen, while those remaining gave no flash of interest. None of the murmurous expectancy of a crowd turned to adventure, none of the resilient interplay of personality transfigured the dull mass. A community this was! The iron car and the vile brick houses moved. It seemed to rot! Quincy felt lonely unto pain in it. So cruel the silences of the woods had never been, as this inert cacophony of union.

And then, the sequel, as the train swung on, leaving him behind at the place which irony called his “destination.” The huddled, nervous, slack-eyed flow churned by some unknown design between the dizzy walls of offices and there absorbed as if to add by their own crushed spirit to the towers of brick and mortar. The poisonous sense of innumerable little cells—like the one to which he went—where all this half-quick matter was laid out, agitant yet fixed like flies in the shifting scum of stagnant waters. A pulp it was for the increasing of the City. Quincy thought of the innumerable living things of the sea whose rotted bones made up the chalk cliffs of England. So, it appeared to him, had the City come to be. For what other than some such passion, inexorable and perverse, could explain the blind din of traffic merging into the barriers of buildings—monuments all to work’s travesty, where the pride of labor was shrunk to an interminable lamentation?

Each morning, at first, these things gripped Quincy while his heart forsook him. So that he found it hard to go, hard to bear, easy to fall away.

And in the office, the dread rhythm was continued. Here, men, boys, girls were drawn together, the secret of their lives apart forever a little dimmer in their eyes. And here, unendingly, they stayed with no hope more bright than that fortune hold them there, since that hold was living, and with no intercourse more high than that of wolves sharing a carcass, through want of strength, not will, to drive each other off. How poor a thing it was for which each day, they shook off their souls, trampled those flowers, their thoughts, to conjoin and fit in here! And yet, little as they accomplished, that little was not theirs. Theirs was merely the naked hold on living, the taste of the shared carcass,—life. But was this living? Decomposition rather—the blind, inglorious making of chalk cliffs! Quincy could almost see the process. Soon the spirit they were forever starving would die, and the flowers they were forever trampling would cease to bloom. And if the rotting carcass grew not noisome to them, it must inexorably be that their senses were rotting also. And lo! a higher city, from their miserable contribution.

Quincy was alert to the danger of these feelings. He sensed in them a recrudescence of the life he had determined to shut out. He resolved not to see these things since to do so was to have eyes and to have eyes was to have tears. He elected to look upon these things as a treachery to the new self which he believed was born—strong and rebellious—from his past mistakes. His effort to shake off such thoughts, trample such moods, he chose to know as will. And his savage muting of the least vibrance in him toward his surroundings, he chose to know as strength. He had not yet learned of the power and the efficiency of weakness.

And so, from the first loathing, grew a system of defenses; from the first bewilderment, a hedge of rationalization—the world’s course, miniatured....

It had been a common way with Quincy to bear about with him an undigested load of his past experiences. So it had been in childhood, in love; so it was still. The pitiful unknitting of his life at college had been no analysis at all. Even as the pattern of the effect of home upon him had been the later consequence of tracing back from its felt stamp, so now, away from it, Quincy was to attempt a reason of his abandoning college.

The conscious mind is an interpreter, a journal. It does not create; neither does it impartially report. Rather does it deflect, refract and so transform what is, into a thing acceptable to the mind’s ego—the journal’s reader. And what it gives, with the nature of its versions, the demand brings about. So now, with Quincy—the call had gone forth for an accounting. It was as if he had sent in his query: “I am here. How did it come about that I am here? And above all, let there be nothing in the report that I can not endure!” For this is the way of all men. And until each man has sharpened his instrument for vision within himself, there is no need in his decrying, or attempting to reform, the frauds and mockeries of government and church and public utterance. The amount of misconception swells with the mass. He who clears the eyes of one child toward itself does more for the truth than the leader of a national rebellion. And until there be a nation made up of men who were just such children, all reform and all revolt must be a romantic variant upon some theme of falsehood.

It pleased Quincy, then, to look upon the calamities of college as the result of foolish conduct and false direction. His idealizing, his dream-gathering, his emotion had been at fault. Manifestly, then, the turn to make was away from ideals and dreams and feeling. These things upon which he had leaned had given way. They must therefore have been fictions. For if one leans upon Reality, one finds support. All that Professor Deering and his wife and his attitudes at college seemed to imply must have been fictions. Reality must lie at the outset, in the antipodal direction—away, that is, from culture, truth-seeking, love and the qualities of self. He had been sleeping with stars, creating flowers, parleying with extramundane fires. He had made great mistakes. He could now make reparation. So, in this way of finding superficial fault, Quincy escaped a scrutiny of his more basic weaknesses—escaped the truth.