(5) The thought that my ideas, etc., instead of being due to higher qualities, due to this degenerate tendency or strain, in short, that I was a degenerate weakling, doomed to drift on until insanity or death ended it all.
The above caused my resolution to commit suicide, taken on January 10th. My hand is tired now, but I have much to write of subsequent days.
I leave to-morrow morning for San Francisco, and shall fill in details to date either on train or there.
Denver, Colo., February 2, 1913.
To continue where I left off, the sixth reason, the last but not the least, to use a hackneyed term, is:
(6) Sex. I have previously gone into this at some length, so little remains to be written. To use a medical term, I presume my affliction may be called erotomania.
My passion, ungratified, except with mercenary women, has been a terrible thing. If I could have had a little satisfaction, even without actual intercourse, in my youth, as other fellows have, I might have been spared the suffering, mental and physical, caused by my random attempts to feed my insatiable hunger.
Not having anything pleasant to look back upon in an emotional way, has probably contributed more than any one thing, to my despair of the future.
When in desperation, just after my twentieth birthday, I first had intercourse with a prostitute, I made little distinction between moral and immoral women, that is, some women I felt naturally attracted to; others repulsed me, and this attraction, physical or mental, I was generally unable to follow up more in practically every case.