“Please relate 25 or 30 noble instances of American patriotism,” begin Uncle Nichi, but I am able to delude him away for care-fare ride price 10c.
Mr. Editor, by most nearly genuine statistick $3,000,000 are burned off of America by each annual July 4th. This are sufficient to built 1 of them battleships what Congress feel too poor to vote. Six hundred persons is entirely killed by this yearly bang-up. Such a number would make a very nice crew for such a battleship. They might sail it & never enjoy death until old age do it. Would it not be a splandid plan for all Americans to avoid purchase of firework for 1 year & sent the money to Senator Hobson to buy such a patriotick boat? It might be painted of red colour to resemble firecrackers & would be a floating monument to all brave Americans who did not die on July 4th. I suggest an earnest thought.
Ah, Mr. Editor, I can hear you said something with sweet voice! I can hear you said, “That Japanese Schoolboy have a soul minus feet; else why he make such a rail against July 4th, when all them firework what is burned for glory are of Japanese parentage?” Quite so truthful it are for you to speek this, Mr. Editor. Sky-racket, pinny-wheel, flower-pottery, nigger-chase & Romantic-candle fireworks was formerly of Japanese parentage, but they was very temperate & well-behaving when made in Japan. It were when they began to be manufactured in New Jersey that they became boystrous, disappated & disorderly shoots.
By olden date of time it were custom for cash-wealthy Daimo what was feeling joyful about his ancestors to invite selection of persons to come his garden to have a see. Pretty soon it was dark, then Hon. Daimo would set afire one flower-pottery filled with gunpowder. Sky was filled with fiery blossoms to resemble botany.
“That are a lily-plant of firework,” say Hon. Daimo, “How you like?”
“O how sweet!” declaim all guests bumping forehead with hissy politeness. Then they drink tea & go home with calm medetations about great emperors & other famous politicians.
Japan do not make such blazes very muchly now days. She too busy with ordinary killing machinery to devote times to decorated deaths. When Japan have got to nail together 6 new Dreadnothings annually for all-time of future in order to keep civilized, what chanst have she got to shoot off Romantic-candles for ancestors? But she do it slyly now & then.
And yet I are not entirely cross & irritate when I see small kidly boys a-blowing off noises on them July 4 date. Memory of Concors & Lex. are worth burning some fingers for; but to blow out eyes for such a memory are wastefully unnecessary. Independance Day are a variety of intemperance, and yet I might weep with eye to see it abolish by Prohibition. What say Dan Webster about this? He-say, “Intemperance are a good thing when took moderately.” A very slight July 4th could not hurt anybody—not even a College Professor what often injure his fine brains a-thinking about Standard Oil & how get some.
Therefore I take ferryboat to some shades of wood next July 4th and there enjoy lonesome picknick. Sandwitch & cigarette will be smoked by me, followed by this poem, which are less complete still:
O Columbia the jam of the ocean,