Among banana trees of river-bank reside Jib-jab, the man-chewing Tiger, who is a friend of Mr. Kipling’s. He set by bright pooly-water worshiping his mustash which is bees-wax upward to make look like Emperor Wm. When along come Jug, the poisoned cober-snake, entirely filled with prussic acid & sliding along on the seat of his stummick. He are reading Hon. Kipling’s “Juggle Book” so as learn some nice snake-language for make welcome speech of Hon. Roosevelt when he arrive.
“Good morning, Jib-jab,” he say to friend, biting him on tail for playful salute. “Are Presidential Program collaborately prepare for to be shot off when Hon. Pres. make arrival?”
“Of sure it are!” say Tiger with Frank Hitchcock expression. “I have enjoyed considerable literary correspondence with Hon. Sec. Loeb who make appointment with me for meet Hon. Roosevelt on date of May 8, 1909, when I will be entirely shot.”
“How you do to receive such honour?” snuggle Hon. Snake.
“On them May 8, 1909, I are instruct to be standing neath cocanuts with very tigerly expression of angry rage. Growls from me. From under-bush suddenly leap outly 72 dare-devilish hunters armed to teeth with photographer’s supplies. Snap-snap—I snagger back, riddled with kodaks. In vainly I endeavour to escape, but ere I can do a sneak I are surrounded by James Creelman, Jacob Riis, Dave Grame Phillips, Jack London, Bat Masterson, W. K. Bok, Arthur Brisbane, & other desperate scouts famous for shooting wild game at 25c a word and 50c for hard ones. Trembling in 4 lims & tail I am interviewed & compared to Thomas F. Ryan. All are complete then, except the Finish.
“Silence suddenly over all Africa. Birds in top-trees cease tune-whistling. Monkeys in up-twig cease practising after-dinner speeches.
“Then in the midst of hushes, One Man step forthly. It are.
“‘Hon. Ted,’ say Hon. Riis, ‘this are Hon. Tige.’ Paw-shakes are did with exhibitions of teeth from both us. ‘Dee-light!’ say Hon. Roosevelt ($4 for this word) and step backly to 30 pace. ‘Head little to right, please’ ($10) he dib, and Crack-Jordan rifle are placed to elbow. ‘Bang!’ ($2) say rifle & I fall down on Africa and give up my sinful soul with a mean snarl. After them exercises I am entirely skinned & speeches worth $680 is indulged in averaging from 25c to $4 a word. Since King Midas died from swallowing his gold teeth no King of Beasts has passed off so expensively.”
“Land of sakes!” abjeck Hon. Snake with poison face, “I am filled with venum to think what famous Brute you will be while I am merely wormly & equal to zero with a wiggle on it. While you are meeting all them fashionable literary persons, I must get stepped on & nothing else.”