This Motor Man hesitate to do. So he donate to me one cigar of value 25c and we enjoy a very elaborate interview about Hon. Gasolene which is a wonderfully civilized drug. By ancient history, say this Motor Man, Hon. Gasolene was a very hummbel medicine. It was principally useful for removing raspberries from gloves and could be employed in cook-stoves for explosions. Gasolene was next discovered to be one nice chemical for insurance. This gave it publick interest which made it necessary for all forms of motor. (“What is home without a motor?” require little Annie Anazuma, who have a flashy mind for 9 year age.)
Gasolene is so easy to distinguish from cologne that it appear deceptive. “Though lost to sight to memory strong” and “Gone, but not forgotten” was once fashionable for funerals. Them remarks is now mostly heard at automobile races.
Hon. Gasolene will make great civilization for future, say Motor Man. Niagara Falls will be runned by this fuel, machinery of Congress will go by gasolene-motor, farmers will turn horse-stable into garage and gather hay by gasolene. Warfare of future, say Motor Man, will be shot off by Hon. Gasolene. Japanese imperial Horse Guards on prancing motor-cycles will make desperation of charge on Gen. Kouropatkin with light runabout division on left wing while automobile batteries from hills will make considerable banzai with Shimose powder & fireworks. By shot & shell, shout-call, enjoyment of death & wounds, long red line of touring-cars will charge from trenches while all day long them commissary-buggies will make hurry-up trip to firing-line to bring more gasolene from Army Canteen. Japanese air-navy of fly-machines will do something, too, probably, with them 1,000 horsepower aromatic engines. O such delightful banzai! Fierce honking from all sides, sharp report of punctuated tires—Nippon forever! On, men of Nagasaki! Let us shed last drop of gasolene for home & garage.
This is future warfare by Hon. Gasolene. What say Hebrew Prophet? “He smelleth the battle from away off and he yelleth ‘O my!’”
This Motor Man tell me some serious truth about Hon. Gasolene when took internally by victims. It is a very habitual drug like cocktails, cocaine, opium-smoke and Peruna. When continually enjoyed by human interior it make result of one very nervous disease what hon. doctor-book call locomobile ataxia. When you have got this sickness, Mr. Editor, you will know it by following course of symptoms:
1—When tour-carring on roadway you suddenly find out you are too slow.
2—You mortgage on home to buy something of swift red colour.
3—You are greedy to break it. You break record, speed-law & crank-shaft in short period. Then you break neck and quit it.
4—You go to hospital to forget wife & child.
5—You deceive doctor by honking yourself to death.