Other Saloons is managed with entire plate-glass and completely wooden polish all over it to make deceptive resemblance of First National Bank, so that refined drunkerds can go there with a stock-broke feeling. Such Saloons require a paying teller to do barkeeping and be pretty civilized, thank you. Them palaces is incomplete if they ain’t got over Hon. Bar a horbly artistick oily-paint pink portrait of Mrs. Venus the way she looked when Hon. Columbus discovered her. She got a hansom gilt frame around her and nothing else. All them portraits cost $10,000 apiece, because Hon. Barkeep say so.
All Saloons has got a phonograf with exception of Hotels which has a okestra. Americans which wishes to become drunk in silence must join a Club. Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, make his phonograf play “I Am Long about My Old Contucky Home” because he wish to serve sweetheart influences with his beer; but Hon. Sheehan on opp. corner make his phonograf play “Happy Widow Waltz” and “We Won’t Go Home in the Darkness” because he-say drunkerds often gets stingy & reforms when they hears homesick musick. Hon. Strunsky say they drink to drown trouble, Hon. Sheehan say they drink to cause it. Both are good ways to know.
Tuesday Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner, give me temporarial job of work to help persons get drunk by doing so. I am now not there as usual. But I learn how-do while I was. In salooning whisky-drunk are applied to them for price $.10 and beer-drunk for price $.05 eech goblet. Green persons unacquainted with salooning have suppose it would be cheaper for drink beer at $.05 for one long quench when whisky cost twict as much for 1 tinty small splatter of. But such is truthless. One (1) small jounce from whisky contain 2 or 3 times more vixen as a grown-up gobble full of beer. Howeverly, iced drunkerds perfers beer because of pleased trickle.
I are not permitted to sell it to them thirsts at Strunsky saloon, because I are not sufficiently intelligent; so I must rubb glaswares & mop to floor, also become attentive to Hon. Phonograf which require 68 wind-up with squeek about “Old Contucky Home” which please G. W. McCann, prominent Drunk, till he weep because it sound human. I am seriously worked to keep this job; and yet I am entirely educational about all intoxicants when doing so.
“There is some good salooners and some bad,” say letter-writer to newspaper. I have sneeked farly & wide with gum-slippers, but am disabled to find such a bad salooner. Whenever I speek uply to a salooner for question, “Are you such a bad salooner?” he answer for reply, “Ah, no! I are an entirely good kind.”
“Ain’t they no such things as Bad Salooners?” I ask Hon. Strunsky for queery.
“They are some such,” he say for chased expression, “but they are horbly difficult to discover.”
Hon. Strunsky are a very nice variety of Good Salooner. He acknowledj it himself. G. W. McCann say Hon. Strunsky have a heart like a watermelon. I noticed it. It are large, but often deliciously iced. He are a sweet & liberal man to all persons what got sufficient cash-money to pay for it. When the poor calls to the bar of Strunsky for loan of money he seldom turn them off with empty grouch. The safe of Hon. Strunsky is full of watches, stuck-pins, repaired clothing, deed of house & lott, and other hardware what the poor has left as security. Them sweet salooner will never turn deaf eye to want & misery as long as want & misery will leave month’s wages at Hon. Bar. A kindy man are Hon. Strunsky.
This benefacting gentleman believe in keeping his saloon clean & full of home influences. He don’t not believe in no rye-bald scenes of debutchery around place. So when a coal-chuck become entire paralysis there, Hon. Strunsky remove remainder of wage from pockets of them unforchnate man & he are nex discovered in street. When U. S. marine sailor enjoy stab-cut in this Strunsky home his remainder are dragged quietly to a alley full of shadows so he will not die all over nice saw-dust floor.