“‘Hon. Jefferson should try being an Ambassador to Germany if he like it so well,’ say Hon. Emperor, giving royal automobile one complete honk.”
Mr. Editor, question before Congress is this: Can American Republick, at stingy expense, teach Kings, Princes, etc., to expect less spendthrifty display whenever they goes to see American Ambassadors? Maybe so it are possible. Maybe Emperors, when they gets tired of ruling, will become accustomed to saying, “Let’s go over to Charley Tower’s flat and listen to Caruso on the phonograph.” Maybe-so it will soon become a common sight in Berlin to see the Hon. Emperor buying 15c package of Frankfurters for luncheon with Hon. American Ambassador. Maybe—but Japanese Schoolboy are doubtful because he come from a kingdom where habits of Emperors is often observed. And I never seen no kings acting that way.
“‘Good morning, Mr. Emperor,’ say Hon. Ambassador”
Trouble with these U. S., Mr. Editor, is that they is not so awful Progressive like they imagines they are. It is a very nice thing to be noisy, but a shoot-cannon must have something besides powder in it to do considerable damage. America man work pretty swift when let alone; but if he wait for act of Congress he had more better wait for act of God and the Russian Douma. There are just one body of mans in the entire world slower than Hon. Russian Douma, and that are Hon. American Congress.
It take one of them degraded and outworn monarchies of the Old World eighteen months to stick together a first-class war-boat of very excellent trimmings. It take these swift U. S. six years to nail together such a fighter-ship, and after them six years is past American Congress awakes and finds that it doesn’t need no navy nohow.
Hon. Congressman Captain Richard Peachy Hobson arise recently for debate and do considerable gun-fire with eyes.
“By all them sun-kissed hills of native land,” he say with energy, “let us defend it. Japan are a menace. So are China, Sweden, and the Malay Archipelago. If all them dangerous nationalities combined to do us dirt how would they go at it? By fleets? In one week 17,000,000,000 yen would flow into coffers of very yellow peril. In two weeks 78 extreme Dreadnothings would intend to go San Francisco for warfare. In three weeks Japan would be camping in Waldorf-Astoria and Sweden would accept Milwaukee as spoil of war. Therefore I arise up to propose it. I propose it that Hon. Sharp Williams instruct the Democratic minority to build 12 Dreadnothing battleships weekly until election is over.”
(Loud groans from Jo-uncle Cannon.)
Uprise then Hon. Burton. “Mr. Speech,” he-say it, “I uprise to second them bill of Hon. Cap. Congressman Hobson; but with some slight amendments to make it look natural. I propose that them 12 Dreadnothings be reduced to 1 gunboat to be built by Union Iron Works in 1926, in case there ain’t no war before then.”