“‘May the God of all grace help me to keep the above vow!’
“But, alas! this resolution was soon forgotten. Again and again was I awakened, but only to sink again into stupidity. In July, my attention was again called up, and it resulted, as I hope, in my conversion to God.
“The circumstance which awakened my attention at this time I never could tell, unless it was hearing of the conversion of one with whom I was well acquainted. I determined not to let this opportunity pass without becoming a Christian; and I hired a seat in the Bowdoin-Street church and commenced prayer.
“Although I felt myself to be a great sinner and deserving of eternal punishment, still I did not feel the deep anguish on account of sin which many experience, and which I supposed necessary to conversion. And for no other reason but to raise these feelings, I purchased and read ‘Baxter’s Call to the Unconverted.’ Still I did not spend my nights in weeping nor my days in anguish, as I supposed I must in order to be a Christian. I prayed that God would break my hard heart and show me my sins in their true light.
“In thinking of the state of mind in which I then was, I have since thought I could not better express it than by saying I almost wept to think I could not weep.
“At length the thought occurred to me that I ought to dedicate myself to God, and let him do with me just as he pleased. I immediately retired to my chamber, and there gave myself to God.
“During all this time I had no conversation with any one on the subject of religion. I anxiously waited for an inquiry-meeting to be appointed, that I might become acquainted with the pastor of the church.
“Until this time my mind had been dark and cloudy, and I had no hope that I was a Christian; for I thought I had not yet repented of my sins. But one Sabbath morning in November, I happened to take up the ‘Young Christian,’ and in reading the chapter on ‘Confession’ I came to that part which speaks of the feelings I had been desiring. I immediately saw that they were unnecessary; and a ray of hope darted into my soul, and I retired to my chamber and again dedicated myself to God, and, as I hope, gave him my heart. This little, trembling hope began to increase, and with it my determination to serve the Lord.