That done, she clasped her hands round her knees, and sat now gossiping, now silent, in the pale autumnal beauty. There was a bird wistfully twittering in the branches overhead, and ever and again a withered leaf would slip circling down from the motionless beech boughs arched in their stillness above their heads beneath the thin blue sky.
‘Men, you know,’ she began again suddenly, starting out of reverie, ‘really are absurdly blind; and just a little bit absurdly kindly stupid. How many times have I been at the point of laughing out at my brother’s delicious naive subtleties. But you do, you will, understand, Mr Lawford, that he was, that we are both “doing our best”—to make amends?’
‘I understand—I do indeed—a tenth part of all your kindness.’
‘Yes, but that’s just it—that horrible word “kindness”! If ever there were two utterly self-absorbed people, without a trace, with an absolute horror of kindness, it is just my brother and I. It’s most of it false and most of it useless. We all surely must take what comes in this topsy-turvy world. I believe in saying out:—that the more one thinks about life the worse it becomes. There are only two kinds of happiness in this world—a wooden post’s and Prometheus’s. And who ever heard of any one having the impudence to be kind to Prometheus? As for a miserable “medium” like me, not quite a post and leagues and leagues from even envying a Prometheus, she’s better for the powder without the jam. But that’s all nothing. What I can’t help thinking—and it’s not a bit giving my brother away, because we both think it—that it was partly our thoughtlessness that added at least something to—to the rest. It was perfectly absurd. He saw you were ill; he saw—he must have seen even in that first Sunday talk—that your nerves were all askew. And who doesn’t know what “nerves” means nowadays? And yet he deliberately chattered. He loves it—just at large, you know, like me. I told him before I came out that I intended, if I could, to say all this. And now it’s said you’ll please forgive me for going back to it.’
‘Please don’t talk about forgiveness. But when you say he chattered, you mean about Sabathier, of course. And that, you know, I don’t care a fig for now. We can settle all that between ourselves—him and me, I mean. And now tell me candidly again—Is there any “prey” in my face now?’
She looked up fleetingly into his eyes, leant back her head and laughed. ‘“Prey,” there never was a glimpse.’
‘And “change”?’ Their eyes met again in an infinitely brief, infinitely bewildering argument.
‘Really, really, scarcely perceptible,’ she assured him, ‘except, of course, how horribly, horribly ill you look. And that only seems to prove to me you must be hiding something else. No illusion on earth could—could have done that to your face.’
‘You think, I know,’ he persisted, ‘that I must be persuaded and cosseted and humoured. Yes, you do; it’s my poor old sanity that’s really in both your minds. Perhaps I am—not absolutely sound. Anyhow. I’ve been watching it in your looks at each other all the time. And I can never, never say, never tell you what you have done for me. But you see, after all, we did win through; I keep on telling myself that. So that now it’s purely from the most selfish and practical motives that I want you to be perfectly frank with me. I have to go back, you know; and some of them, one or two of my friends I mean, are not all on my side. Think of me as I was when you came into the room, three centuries ago, and you turned and looked, frowning at me in the candle-light; remember that and look at me now. What is the difference? Does it shock you? Does it make the whole world seem a trick, a sham? Does it simply sour your life to think such a thing possible? Oh, the hours I’ve spent gloating on Widderstone’s miserable mask of skin and bone, as I was saying to your brother only last night, and never knew until they shuffled me that the old self too was nothing better than a stifling suffocating mask.’
‘But don’t you see,’ she argued softly, turning her face away a little, ‘you were a stranger then (though I certainly didn’t mean to frown). And then a little while after we were, well, just human beings, shoulder to shoulder, and if friendship does not mean that, I don’t know what it does mean. And now, you are—well, just you: the you, you know, of three centuries ago! And if you mean to ask me whether at any precise moment I have been conscious that this you I am now speaking to was not the you of last night, or of that dark climb up the hill, why, it is simply frantic to think it could ever be necessary to say over and over again, No. But if you mean, Have you changed else? All I could answer is, Don’t we all change as we grow to know one another? What were just features, what just dingily represented one, as it were, is forgotten, or rather gets remembered. Of course, the first glimpse is the landscape under lightning as it were. But afterwards isn’t it surely like the alphabet to a child; what was first a queer angular scrawl becomes A, and is always ever after A, undistinguished, half-forgotten, yet standing at last for goodness knows what real wonderful things—or for just the dry bones of soulless words? Is that it?’ She stole a sidelong glance into his brooding face, leaning her head on her hand.