The parents’ happy married life, irrespective of wealth and distinction, is the best possible heritage for their children. The father just mentioned could not in any sense have been called happily married. He considered his wife an abject idiot and acted accordingly, domineering over her to the utter extinction of any personality she might have originally possessed and thereby deprived the son of even as fine a mother ideal as he might have had.
If to a happy married life showing itself to the children in every incident of the home and its management is added the best type of sex instruction, both physiological and psychological, the parents have done their duty, and have succeeded, as far as any parents could, in transmitting an environment in which the superiority of the erotic over the egoistic-social impulses is daily recognized.
An exceedingly common environment is the opposite one where any erotic impulses of the children are not only frowned upon but are practically declared by the parents to be either non-existent or impossible of any form of expression.
Psychoanalytic treatment of various neuroses strikes, unsuggested by the analyst, the sexual factor, as Frink says in his Morbid Fears and Compulsions (page 225), in the second or third interview. Most neurotics are brought up with no legitimate sex instruction. It needs a fair and open discussion between parents and children, in absolutely matter-of-fact terms, to prevent sex from becoming compressed, if I may be permitted to use the term in this way. Sex is forced into the focus of attention of many children by being the only topic about which they may not speak to their parents in confidence. The utter exclusion of the erotic from the child’s life is the final compressive factor which reduces it into the smallest possible compass, into dangerously explosive density. The exclusive emphasis on the egoistic-social in the bosom of the family drives out the erotic from the consciousness of children in the only situation, where it would be more ethical than in any other. Many children never see their parents in puris naturalibus, though there is no logical or psychological reason why they should not, and many psychological reasons why they should have experiences that would prevent them, boys as well as girls, from the shock of some later chance revelation.
Many children never see any endearments between their parents, partly because when the children are old enough consciously to notice these, they have ceased to take place. The marriage of the parents has run down. They are no longer lovers but purely egoistic-social business partners in the home.
But where should a tradition arise, and how be perpetuated, of a noble type of marital love, except in and by the children’s home? How should they learn anything or where should they best learn of married happiness except from their father and mother? If they see better marital relations evidenced in the homes of the companions they may visit, surely they will at least unconsciously realize that at home all is not well, and the unconscious principle of identification will make them think that as their parents lacked warmth of affection so they themselves must or will.
Homes in which the marriage of the parents has run down are not the best homes for children. The parents realize this and try to act out frequently a love which they no longer feel in their hearts. But all acting of this character is absolutely transparent to the unconscious of the child.
§ 53
The best parental environment, the one that gives the erotic its due, is that in which the child is allowed to remain a child until he is required to develop certain phases of the egoistic-social environment. The best home environment is that in which the parents are themselves, and particularly the father, emotionally, i.e. erotically, adult and not, as in so many homes, emotionally childish.
The emotionally childish status, in the erotic sphere of many parents, is due at least partly to fear, which is purely an egoistic-social emotion. Love has in its pure state no such emotion as fear but the fears that are so commonly associated with the expression of love are all of egoistic-social origin.