“I remember nothing of my early childhood. What happened during that time I cannot recollect; my earliest memories date from the time when I was already in school. I only know that both parents were nervous. I lost one brother early, I know nothing of the circumstances. There were a number of insanities in our family, especially on father’s side.
“My sexual feelings asserted themselves at a very early age. I remember that when I was seven years old I played with myself before father, without any feeling of shame, because I did not know that it was wrong. Father scolded me and forbade me doing this. But his threats only had the effect of forcing me to continue under cover what I tried to do openly before him. I believe that my power of concentration and my ability to work were impaired already at that time. From playing I merged quickly into systematic masturbation, a habit in which I indulged excessively. At ten years of age we had at school a regular ring of masturbators and we carried on all sorts of things jointly. Nor did we limit ourselves to manual handling....
“At about that time I had terrible nightmares. I saw wild animals, was overcome or bitten by them, thieves wanted to kidnap me, and in my dreams I often saw my father coming after me with a great long stick. These nightly dreams tortured me considerably, every night I was feverish and bathed in sweat.
“In the morning I had an ‘all gone’ feeling. I gazed blankly before me at school always holding my hand on the penis,—in fact, I often masturbated during class. I became less and less able to concentrate on the work or to carry on my school tasks. In various ways I attempted first to keep up with the work and then I tried all sorts of makeshifts to avoid my school duties. As early as at that age it was characteristic of me that what interested me I had no difficulty in doing. I learned easily but only subjects which I was not taught in school. Thus, for instance, as a boy I became interested in mineralogy, astronomy and botany, and I acquired quite a fund of information on these topics. I should have never learned a hundredth part of what I knew about the subjects if they had been drilled into me at school.... Everything that was a duty seemed unbearable to me. Work was a hard duty and always unpleasant. Therefore I got along rather poorly in school. I reached the status of a one-yearling (the privilege to do but one year military duty) only with the aid of home coaching and by the use of influence. And I attained that privilege only at the last moment, during my twentieth year, when I faced the danger of having to serve three years. In a few weeks I prepared and crammed, so as to pass my examinations because I knew that, unless I did, I would be in trouble. I always went to extremes that way, the midway never appealed to me. I would pour over my astronomical books for five hours at a stretch or devote myself uninterruptedly to my plants and my collection of stones, but if I spent a half hour upon my school lessons it made me mad and in my fury I tore the note book.
“My memory for past events is poor. But some incidents, here and there, I recall very vividly. For instance, I remember nothing of a journey through Thuringen which I made with my uncle when I was ten years of age. I was like in a trance during that journey. I made that same journey a second time and then I recalled of one spot that I had already been there. There was a stone there where I had tripped and fallen during the first journey.
“As a boy I was often punished for my laziness and I was even strapped for my obstinacy. I thought I was treated unjustly for I considered my lack of concentration as something I could not help. I was always restless, perennially moody, sometimes very joyous and again very depressed.
“Masturbation I carried on excessively. I masturbated daily—seldom a day passed,—sometimes several times daily, up to the 21st year, when I first had intercourse. Then I decided to give up onanism. At first I had only normal intercourse and felt great satisfaction. But I had to do it very often or my nerves would be all to pieces. During my military service I felt excellently well. I endured easily all sorts of physical exertion and I was very proud of my uniform. As I am very tall and well built I attracted attention in my uniform and the girls looked at me and this made me very proud. But I continued masturbating at the time and avoided intercourse. During the service I was often nervous when I had to carry out an order or if I was kept at one station for any length of time. I pressed myself forward wherever I could, and finally a horse kicked me and I used that accident as a chance to be freed of the service and received for some time the accident pay granted under the circumstances.
“If I am able to get the best of some one, especially of some one in authority, it pleases me beyond measure.
“After the military service I took a position. As I had intercourse daily with women I was in good condition to keep up my work. But I could not endure to have two tasks piled up on me at the same time. I could do only one thing at a time. I was not easy to get along with and had to change positions because I quarreled with my chiefs and because I always avoided hard work. Then I came to Vienna and got a place which I kept for some time. The business interested me, because it dealt with an article which appealed to me. Here I began to grow restless and my uneasiness increased when we removed to Berlin. Normal intercourse no longer satisfied me. I became acquainted with a French woman who became my sweetheart and with whom I practiced all sorts of perversities. I became more and more unstable in my work, often neglecting it for hours at a stretch. I do not know whether that was on account of the Berlin air, which did not agree with me, or because of an accident I met with on the railway. I gave up my position, that is, my chief advised me to do so, although it was a responsible position of great trust, of which I was very proud, especially as my father had bonded me heavily. But I grew more and more restless, it drove me continually to women. I had nothing else on my mind and I wracked my brain to think of new, unheard of perversities to try out. I even tried podicem lambere and for a time this brought me great satisfaction, but it quieted me only for a few hours. Then I turned again to Friedrichstrasse looking for the other girls I kept on string besides my regular sweetheart. These adventures required a great deal of money, only a part of which I was able to earn at the time. It was to me always a pleasant thought that father had to pay for my indulgences.
“My unrest reached its highest point when my father came to Berlin to see me and I lived in Charlottenburg. I had a formidable anxiety about meeting him and so it happened that he was mostly alone and saw me but seldom. He did prevail upon me to see a specialist who promptly put me in a sanitarium. While there I was much more quiet, but only outwardly. Within me the old struggle kept on as usual. The physician ordered me to give up women for a time because I was super-excitable and indulgence would harm me. I was abstinent for a few weeks but thoughts troubled me every night and I was plainly afraid of losing my mind. Then I turned to my old remedy, onanism. I did this in spite of the fact that the physician and the specialist both declared that my condition was due to excessive masturbation. I was torn between conflicting thoughts at the time but noticed that I became more quiet after masturbating. At any rate after three months of sanitarium treatment I was still in no condition to work. I am depressed and life loses its zest the moment I turn to work. After the first few minutes my mind turns to women and I must interrupt whatever I am doing and run into the street. Leaving the sanitarium I returned to Vienna where the old vicious cycle began once more. I made the round of physicians and was given any quantity of bromides. Neither the medicines nor the various hydrotherapic courses helped me in any way. Only if I have intercourse about three times during the night do I feel a little quieted down in the morning. Then I am a little more alert and can work for a short while. But already on the following day, usually the first thing in the morning, the old trouble reasserts itself. I am irritable and depressed. After a coitus which does not gratify me I feel worse than ever. Then I am tremendously excited and want right away another woman who might satisfy me better. Sometimes I long for true love and for the companionship of a lovely being. I then feel the terror of loneliness fastening upon me. I literally pant for air and again rush to the street where temptations meet me. I feel as if something within me has taken possession of my soul driving me on from one adventure to another. Personally I am inwardly inclined towards everything that is noble; but something within me compels me to act as a bad and evil person.