“A stranger, a man of about 35 years of age, enticed me and as soon as he had me he carried on pederasty with me. I felt that there was something repulsive in what he was doing, but I was too weak to oppose myself against his influence. In about three months he disappeared. Now I knew what masturbation was especially as there had occurred a number of orgies at school.
“At eighteen years of age I left school, and while the others among my comrades began showing an inclination towards the female sex I found myself attracted in every way exclusively to man. Often at the insistence of some of my friends I tried to come into contact with women of the half world but every time the attempt filled me only with disgust and aversion. When I see a woman taking an interest in me I am filled with a horrible feeling. That was one more reason why I felt attracted to the male sex. When I love a man I do not think (only) of sexual attraction, but I seek to find in him precisely what I, in turn, feel myself ready to give; exclusive devotion, loyalty, tenderness; when I love a man, everything else pales into insignificance for me.” (Bloch, l.c., p. 565.)
It would seem that in this instance the memory of the masturbating man, an incident which the boy had witnessed during childhood, determined for him the actual course of his sexual development. In the previous case the trauma acted as a warning. In this case it seems to have acted like a perpetual stimulus, since a child does not possess the usual moral scruples, and the first excitation (the sight of the erect organ) must have been tremendous. That picture stayed in his memory for years, it fixed itself and persisted permanently in that young man’s memory. In the K. S. case, mentioned above, the trauma was associated with disgust; it served as a revulsion against heterosexuality.[43]
In this particular case the memory of the incident was associated with desire. It was utilized in positive form as an inciter to homosexuality. Thus we find that the problem is rather complicated. I confess that for some time I was unable to see my way clear in the midst of these facts so long as I was one-sided in my views and thought that the condition arises exclusively in one way. But I know now that a number of paths may lead equally to homosexuality and that this is a subject which requires a much more thorough study. We must find out whether psychic factors are invariably at work behind every case of homosexuality or whether there is an exclusively psychic and a specially organic homosexuality. Such cases could be called pseudo-homosexuality.
As a contribution to this question I find of interest the following case, reported by Bloch, as the history reveals the trauma and the bearing of the trauma upon the development of the condition. It is a case of male homosexuality:
“From my early childhood I was aware of something peculiarly girlish in my whole nature outwardly as well as inwardly (the latter in particular). Sexual excitation I experienced also very early. I was about 6 years of age when I remember that a private instructor seated himself on the edge of the bed where I was lying ill with fever, petted me and then membrum meum tetigit with his hand; the pleasurable sensation which thus arose was so intense that I cannot get it out of my mind to this day. At school where my conduct and studies were always excellent I indulged occasionally in mutual ‘touching games’ with other boys. I do not know on what side of the family I may have inherited the unusual intensity of my sexual desire, but I remember that around my 12th year the flaring up of the instinct caused me a great deal of unrest and when a comrade once showed me how to masturbate it proved a welcome relief. This ‘paradisaic’ state did not last long and when I learned about the dangers and forbidden features of my habit I had a terrific and useless struggle with myself.
“I remember that as far back as my memory goes I had the habit of gazing at older, vigorous men almost involuntarily and with a feeling full of longing, without knowing what it meant. As to masturbation I thought that I fell into the habit because I had no chance to come into contact with women. As a matter of fact I did occasionally entertain friendly relations with certain girls who appeared to be strongly attached to me; but I always saw to it that these love excitations were ‘nipped in the bud’ because I was afraid I should be unable to carry out my role to the end. Finally I decided to seek relief among prostitutes, who were otherwise repellent to my esthetic and moral sense, but the attempts proved useless: either I found myself unable to carry out the normal sexual act at all or if I did it, I experienced no satisfaction and thereafter I was also plagued with the fear of infection. I did have rather frequently the opportunity to enter into amorous relations with married women but I never did so even though I inwardly scorned my shyness and my oversensitive conscience. Although these facts are true, I must not omit to mention the chief thing responsible for the whole situation, namely, the fact that I am homosexual in my inclination and that the other sex has hardly any attraction for me.
“I believed myself totally unfit for ordinary sexual relations when I found one day that the sight of the membrum virile alone made the blood boil in me with excitement. I then recalled that this had occasionally happened before, although not to such a remarkable extent. Secretly I had to face the plain fact that I was ‘not like others.’ This fact which I had previously suspected and of which I grew more and more convinced, brought me to the brink of despair.
“Then it happened that a simple little girl fell deeply in love with me, and I made up my mind to start relations with her. During the time while this lasted, a period of several months, my inclination towards the male sex persisted though occasionally I tried to subdue it; but to overcome it completely was for me, I found, impossible. I was still keeping up my relations with the girl when I once noticed in a public lavatory an elderly gentleman who appealed to me very strongly; he scrutinized me carefully and bent over in order membrum meum videre, came close by, moved forward his hand shaking with excitement and ... membrum meum tetigit. I was so surprised and scared that I ran off at once and for some time after that I avoided passing by that place. But my impulsion was the greater on that account to meet that man again; this was not at all difficult.... In this continuous struggle, so meaningless and so useless, against an instinct which was at least partly inborn in me, I have squandered my best energies, although I have long ago reached the point of realizing that in itself the instinct is neither morbid nor sinful.” (Bloch, l.c., P. 545.)
Does not this case illustrate clearly the influence of first impressions and the significance of the bisexual foundation in the homosexual attitude? The man is seduced by an elderly man and after that he longs continually to be seduced by an elderly man, in a manner recalling that unforgettable scene. Although capable of heterosexual acts, this side of his nature persists as a sort of compulsory tendency and drives him again into the arms of elderly men to seek that form gratification which was the first he had ever experienced in his life. His heterosexual leanings are repressed. He himself admits that he always saw to it that all such love affairs were nipped in the bud. In other words he is deliberately fighting off all heterosexual stimuli and encouraging the homosexual excitations. Then he arrives at the realisation that he is not like others.... In fact he is bisexual and has the capacity to act as a bisexual being. A careful analysis would have disclosed many interesting features. We wanted only to show how this young man was continually seeking to find his teacher (father?), and what a great deal of neurotic overgrowth stood back of this desire.